Happy Birthday a la Bastow

By a weird quirk of Nature Saturday marks the birthday of Paul Bastow, exactly a week after that of his Northern bedmate Dan. After the digraceful torrent of abuse I received from last week's attempts to wish Dan a happy birthday I'm still feeling a little raw and very tentative about doing the same this week, but I shall carry on regardless. I think deep down i'm just too nice.

What can I say about Paul that I haven't already said, the man with the face of a Saint.......a Saint Bernard. He's so old he farts dust. He's like a Christmas tie...loud and useless. He has a face for radio, a voice for mime and a body you could grow tomatoes off. As you can see, Paul always looks as if he got dressed in front of an aeroplane propellor.

On Shrove Tuesday in 1960 Paul's parents were asked if they knew any good tossers as there was a shortage for their local pancake race. Therefore they decided to make one of their own, but Paul arrived late, some two weeks after Shrove Tuesday 1961. However, he was so ugly the hospital insisted his incubator had tinted windows. Scientists showed a huge interest in him during his early years as it became apparent he was living proof that evolution can go in reverse.


When he was a young man Paul tried a number of different chat up lines on women with little success. In the end he tried 'do you think this handkerchief smells of chloroform?' Actually, I'm only assuming this, since 'force' is the only reasonable explanation as to how he could have persuaded his lovely wife Linda to marry him. I've met her a few times and she seems very intelligent so there's no way she could possibly have looked across a crowded dance floor one night in the late 70's and thought 'phwoooooar, he's gorgeous!". Let's be honest about it....Paul fell out of the ugly tree and his face hit every branch on the way down.


Paul loves a good night out, and is a frequent visitor to his local YMCA, especially fancy dress nights when he invariably goes dressed as a red indian. Here he is pictured with Dan at the Huddersfield branch of the Blue Oyster Club.

Paul is one of the North's leading suppliers of felching tube, as can be seen from this photo of his van loaded up for another delivery.

Here he is accepting an award from the North West Gay Traders' Association as leading supplier of homo-erotic veg such as this one below.

He recently introduced a new range of veg shaped anal dildos for the discerning gentleman and naughtily uses his blog to advertise how best to wank them off to get them started.

He's so dumb he once backed his loaded van into a car boot sale...and sold his engine. I've tried to help him out with growing advice over the years, and I've done my best but unfortunately Paul couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel. He has an intellect matched only by his garden tools. He still thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.

When it comes to show veg Paul has delusions of adequacy. Being a Leeds United fan he has always been used to disappointment. However, Paul has always grown superb spring onions.

He exhibited at Harrogate last season but in truth he is out of his depth in a puddle. If you visit Harrogate this year and you see two men talking and one of them looks bored....Paul is the other one!

I'm not saying that Paul is partial to a drink or three, but on his last birthday, with just one breath, he lit all the candles on his birthday cake!

Paul loves to talk whenever I meet him. In fact every time he opens his mouth he has a wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think of him. If you stand next to him you can actually hear the sea. As you can see from the next photo, these days he has more chins than a Chinese phone book. He's the only man I know whose car seat has stretch marks. In fact he's so big he could sell shade.

If you ask him for a penny for his thoughts you'll get change. Whilst some men drink from the fountain of knowledge, Paul just gargles. And i'm not the only one who finds his veg funny!

Happy Birthday Paul. When I think of all the people I respect the most you're right there......serving them drinks.