Och aye

Off on me hols this weekend for a week's walking in Scotland (oh yes we are wife and daughter!) so I have stacks to do this weekend before I go.



My first potatoes are ready to have the haulms cut down and I will bring the bags into the garage so that no more water gets to them. I won't empty the bags out as the spuds will need a week for the skins to harden.



Whilst I was off ill my marrows and runner beans went AWOL and I'm struggling to bring them back into line. The runner beans especially look very healthy but the weight of the plant has pulled the ends of the canes almost over double. I'm not quite sure how to get round that one yet.



Most of my onions for the 8oz class have been harvested but my 'large' onions are a bit of a disaster. If I have one weighing a pound that's as much as I have. Pathetic. They'll get another week whilst I'm away but then they'll have to come up and I'll make the best of a shite job.



My parsnips are still looking good although I have been squidging some caterpillars that have taken a shine to the foliage.



The long carrots are disappointing but the Sweet Candle stumps are growing well, although I have had losses due to carrot willow aphid introducing various viruses that kill off the centre growth. One also went to seed which is unusual.



After a slow start my beetroot has picked up nicely, if anything growing too well as I noticed some roots that are already too big for showing.



I've so far managed to keep caterpillars off my cabbages but whether that is the same when I return we shall see. There's only so much I can expect my under-gardener (my daughter's boyfriend) to do.

I have lots of good sized tomatoes and the plants look very healthy so I hope they'll start ripening by mid-August in time for the first shows. Plenty of peppers are forming, as well as aubergines and courgettes. I shall however have to keep picking the courgettes so they don't turn into marrows.

My cucumber plants are about 2 foot high. That is perfect as they will grow very rapidly from now on and form fruits in good time for the shows. However, my peas have been setting flowers for weeks and I'm sure I won't be able to keep them going for another month, so I have a back-up row that are barely 8" tall.


So that's it for now. See you all in a week or so.

Oh and by the way.......Jeremy Clarkson don't you dare apologise this time.......Gordon Brown IS a c***!

Thug

If it had been me or thee you can bet your bottom f*cking dollar we'd have been in prison by now! You just watch the overrated Scouse bastard go and get away with it! And where is the hearing? Sheffield? Chester? Nah...Liverpool. Blinding!

When ignorance is better than bad advice....

Amazing piece of advice in this month's NVS bulletin from a so-called expert for newcomers to showing for growing. He recommends growing long carrots and parsnips in growbags laid on their ends !!! And how did he propose to do that exactly? Drench them in viagra solution so that they stand perfectly upright? What a clown!



He also says he uses all his old composts from his pot plants and tubs for his long root mixes the next season. I know it's extra expense but you should ALWAYS use new compost for mixes so that they are free from pest and disease. Following this guy's advice is an absolute recipe for disaster and would be bound to fail, therefore putting any newcomer off for life. What a shame.



I remember once at a show listening to some lentil-eating Greenham Common peace hippy type woman explaining to a circle of friends that my winning long carrots would have been grown by earthing them up as they grew. I had to intervene (much to her annoyance) and explain how it was really done. I couldn't stand by and let them have visions of 5 foot high piles of soil like chimneys! A little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

I lived!!!

Well I've managed to drag myself to work. I lost 9lbs and only started eating properly at the weekend really. At least I've got it out of the way....I certainly don't envy the rest of you 'cos you'll all get it sooner or later!

In the meantime my garden has raced away and certain things such as the runner beans and marrows have got out of control a bit I'm afraid to say. I tried doing bits whilst I was convalescing but everything was a major effort.

I kept on harvesting my Vento onions and now have about 20 good ones ripening away in trays covered in sawdust. However, after all the promise of the spring and early summer my huge shallots went all manner of funny shapes during the drying off process so I don't have a great selection to choose from.....as per usual!

Unacceptable

Because I'm close to death I might be feeling rattier than usual but I had a schedule through the door today for a show I've done for many years now. For the past 6 or 7 years the schedule has had glaring errors such as not saying how many parsnips or carrots there are in those classes! Each year I point this out and I'm met with total indifference. Crazy! They struggle each year to get volounteers to help out and wonder why.

R.I.P. Smithyveg ......18th January 1964 to ??th July 2009

In a move that will have the organic brigade rejoicing yours truly has only gone and contracted swine flu!!!

8oz or 250g onions***

I've picked a few Vento and Tasco onions for the small onion classes***. I have a cardboard template cut to 3.25" which I put over the bulb at it's widest point. Experience has told me this diameter is when Tasco is about 8oz and as Vento is a similar type of onion I'm using it for them also. I cut the roots off and the top to just above the first leaf joint. The onion may well measure over 8oz at this point but when the top dries out it should be bang on 8oz.

However, as you can see it aint quite that simple when it comes to getting a matching set. The two onions here are the same diameter but as you can see quite different in profile. The one on the right is deeper and may well weigh over 8oz because of that. The judge will pick each onion up so even though they look the same from above he will find ways of downpointing your dish in comparison to other sets.

***read your show schedule and beware. 8oz is actually 227g.

Secondary growth on carrots

At this time of year you need to be checking your carrots (this affects mainly long carrots) for secondary shoots growing from the crown. If these are left on the carrot usually grows into a strange oval shape at the top making it useless for showing. By exposing the top of the carrot (he's off again Ethel!) the shoot needs to be carefully snapped off leaving a small scar on the shoulder of the carrot. Come showtime this scar will not be noticeable.

Here is the same carrot with the shoot removed. The sand is drawn back around the shoulder and the area dusted with Forate insecticide.

Should Garden News be paying me royalties?

You may remember a couple of weeks ago I wrote about the lottery winner who couldn’t grow carrots and lo and behold the next week the story appeared in Garden News?

Well, last week I wrote about rude shaped vegetables, and you can probably imagine my surprise when I read in GN this week that they are appealing for any photos of knob, tit or fanny shaped veggies that you might have. Ok…I admit they didn’t quite word it that way but we all know what they mean!

Now, surely this cannot be a coincidence …can it? If it is it’s getting decidedly spooky. I wonder perhaps if the editor of GN is a closet Smithyveg reader? Or more likely I just have my finger on the pulse of today’s important horticultural issues?

With that in mind this week I intend to address the great talking point in horticulture at the moment. It literally is the subject on everyone’s lips. What is the best way to display the classic English rose……vase or arse crack?

Reasons to be cheerful

Things that have gone wrong this past week.....

Spuds suffering through lack of water. Despite staking the foliage is flopping about all over the place

Some parsnips leaves have inexplicably snapped off. It hadn’t been windy…..next door’s football perhaps?

I’ve lost some of my onion sets Red Baron and Setton to white rot.

I’ve got caterpillars crawling all over my brassicas.

Aphids are on everything…..literally. I even found some on my bollocks!

My long carrots are shite.

I’ve lost more Sweet Candle stumps to some wilting disease.

My ‘large’ onions are smaller than my 8oz onions.

I snapped the top off one of my Cederico tomatoes whilst trying to train it horizontally to increase the yield. This obviously isn’t a good idea. I am an arsehole.

My peas already have flowers on them. I don’t want flowers on them yet!

My beetroot germination has been very patchy.

At my allotment in Sileby the owner ploughed through some seed beds with a rotavator!

Something is eating my peppers ....probably a large caterpillar judging by the size of the droppings .....but I cannot find it

But for some strange reason none of these problems get me down.

Well, at least one scouser is going to win the league next season!!!