Welsh wows and what the f***s!

On Friday evening we travelled over 200 miles to compete in the annual Welsh Branch Championships of the NVS and after a long journey the first problem that faced us was manoeuvring the car down a ridiculously narrow alley at the side of our hotel to their car park. Despite pulling the wing mirrors in I was still sucking my breath in to try and make us smaller! Further shocks came as I tried to get a few hours kip which soon became almost impossible as the dregs of Carmarthen nightlife seemed to use the street below our room window for a slanging match. Rising at 3.15am for the 8 mile journey to the venue I passed dozens of revellers still going strong in the many pubs, but whilst their night was drawing to a close mine was just about to begin.

When I staged my veg at the Royal Pavillion at the 2011 National in Llangollen I didn’t think I’d ever come across a more dramatic place for a veg show. Walking into the domed glasshouse of the Welsh Botanic Garden was an even bigger wow moment however and proved to be a truly stunning place set your exhibits out in. And straight away I thought I’d potentially wasted my time as there was some superb stuff already on the benches but if I’ve learned one thing it’s never be put off by first glances as you never know what faults you can’t see on other people’s stuff, and you can be sure the judge will find them. One entry I didn’t manage to get down was in the National Tap Root Championships of Great Britain which was really the whole point of entering in the first place, to fulfil a dream I first had when I started showing over 20 years ago. Unfortunately my long beet just didn’t come up to the desired standard so I went to plan B and entered parsnips and long carrots instead. And it wasn’t a bad plan B as I managed to win the long carrots and get 3^rd in parsnips, although I have to say I felt my long carrots were as rough as a badger’s snatch. I’d had to scrub them more than I would have liked as there was a lot of black marks at the skin lenticels where the root hairs emerge and I just couldn’t get them as clean as I would have preferred. Having said that several people told me they were still clear winners but I know I’ll need better looking roots for the National in 2 weeks time. Still, it was nice to take a few quid off the elderly class sponsor!

I was altogether much happier with my parsnips and thought I may even have won, they certainly looked the best set on Sunday afternoon when the dry atmosphere of the glasshouse was rendering many of the exhibits quite dehydrated in appearance, but I was happy that Mark Perry won the class, and here he is doing his best silverback gorilla impression. He was so happy to win that he left the trophy behind at the function and had to come back for it. Tit.

If anything went against my nips it was probably that I had one a bigger diameter at the top and I was in two minds about pulling more to see if I could get a better match up, but in the end I decided to leave well alone and save the rest for the National when Mark and I will be doing it all again, this time however we’ll be up against even stiffer competition so we’ll need even better roots. I was also in the tickets with my tomatoes (3^rd), 250g onions (3^rd) and marrows (2^nd) so all in all a really good return as this level of competition is the top of the tree believe me.

The Welsh Branch has a collection class for 6 single veg which is always a well supported class as every exhibitor will have that one single specimen that doesn’t match any others but is otherwise superb, and in keeping with several other attempts at this type of collection I was frustratingly out of the tickets by only half a point. Whilst I had the highest pointed parsnip and long carrot my scabby potato only scored 12.5 out of 20 so it was my own fault, as I should have put a tomato or cucumber in instead.

One other piece of news that absolutely blew me away was that a chap in Minnesota USA has just broken the World record for the heaviest carrot, a record held by our own Peter Glazebrook. So what I hear you ask? Well, amazing as it sounds I actually supplied this guy with the seed in a roundabout way. I set my 5^th place winning carrots from the 2015 Dundee National away for seed, harvesting them late last year intending to use them myself and give away any surplus to anyone who wanted some, advertising this on a couple of Facebook pages and several growers took me up on the offer. Kevin Fortey of GiantVegUK heard of this and asked me for some seed to send to America as they use New Red Intermediate, they just grow it in a different way to get the heavyweights. I sent him a load and thought no more of it, doubting that giant veg of such proportions could ever come from my seed, despite the fact that the roots they came from were quite a heavy set. Apparently there is a chap in South Wales who is growing a carrot that may even beat this one, and he is also using my seed, so I’ll be very interested to see the outcome at Malvern. Happy days.

And on Saturday afternoon, just before we set off to the prize giving function hosted by a very generous Welsh Branch that had made us very welcome all weekend, I was asked by a fellow hotel guest what time Liverpool kicked off. About every 15 minutes I told him.

First show of 2017

A top grower (well he always insisted he was a top grower) was once quite sniffy about competing in local shows, implying that it was beneath him now that he was winning at NVS Branch shows with his cabbages and cucumbers. Not me. I still get a big buzz out of winning a ticket at my local show and it was with some sadness that I entered my veg on Saturday morning for the last time. I know the organisers have been a little bit worried about the effect my giving up showing will have on the show as I have supported it with multiple entries since my first show here in 2001, but there were a few new exhibitors putting in some reasonable quality stuff so I sincerely hope the show will continue to thrive. These shows are the breeding grounds for anyone with aspirations to go onto bigger things but should always be supported as much as possible. And besides I said I’d still try and support them with some baking in future years. However, they told me not to threaten them with that shit. As it was I walked off with the coveted Society Cup for most points, and my name will now be etched on the side of it for a record extending 14^th time in 17 years. I’m rather stupidly proud of that.

As I said in the previous post I was particularly pleased with my winning long carrots which were quite a small set compared to many more I appear to have growing. If they carry their weight down like these I’m going to be in a position to compete at the bigger shows to come. One slight concern on a single carrot I pulled for another class was what appeared to be cavity spot which is said not to affect long carrots as much as stumps. I actually used the infected sand from my cavity spot infected stump beds to fill extra carrot drums thinking things would be fine so we shall have to see if this is going to be a major problem for me over the next few weeks.

My stump carrots were almost embarrassing to me. Yes, they won, but if I’d put this set in a National Veg show I’d have been soundly beaten with a sharpened swede, they really were utter wank. I’ll be pulling my stumps for the Welsh Branch Championships tomorrow night and if they’re anything remotely like this they’re going to feed my grandson’s rabbit.

Being a local show you can put more than one entry in a class so over the years in an effort to support the show I have often made multiple entries, whilst being wary of not wanting to do too much and put people off. It’s a fine line but sometimes it’s best to just put one in if you know you’re probably going to win it so that someone else can experience the thrill of getting a ticket. One class I did pull a few entries in was the any other veg class, and my rhubarb was a worthy winner beating my marrows into 2^nd and my turnips into 3^rd. Other exhibitors’ entries in the class included kale, radish, chard, squash and a very large pair of caulis that were unfortunately badly discoloured and well past their best.

I had 1^st and 2^nd in the tomato class but was surprised my 2^nd place entry didn’t actually win. What do you think?

The small fruited tomato class at any show is always well contested and I was pleased to win with a set of Strillo, although I had to cut over 50 to find a set of 10 that weren’t split. Fair to say I shan’t be growing Strillo ever again.

I won the globe beet class with a nice set of 3 that I thought I’d made a fatal mistake with when I was prepping them. I cut the foliage as if I was prepping them for a National show when I suddenly clapped my hands over my face as I realised our show asks for them to be shown ‘with foliage’. Calming down I noticed that I had cut them long at first and therefore there was some new middle foliage still visible so technically I couldn’t be NAS’d and so it proved as far as the judge was concerned.

And the little fuchsia ‘Auntie Jinks’ that I’d been nurturing all Spring & Summer won me another 1^st place. Triffic.

As I said earlier, I’m now turning my thoughts to the Welsh Branch of the NVS Branch Championships in Carmarthen this coming weekend, assuming we’re not going to get nuked by North Korea and America before then, and I emailed my entry form off yesterday morning. Saves the cost of a stamp and doesn’t risk those spanners at Royal Mail losing it in transit. I have entered the rather grandly named National Tap Root Championships of Great Britain but it does all depend on how my long beet pull tonight. I’m having to pull them so long before the show as the daylight hours are getting much less in the evenings by the time those of us who work for a living manage to get home. It’ll be carrots tomorrow night and parsnips on Thursday as we’re travelling down on Friday evening so everything needs to be up and prepped in good time. I’ve entered 9 classes in all plus a couple of back-ups, long carrots and parsnips if the long beet doesn’t cut the mustard, but I shan’t bother with those if they’re adequate for the tap root collection. There is also another collection class for 3 sets of veg with a points value of 18 or less, so I’ll hopefully be going for tomatoes, runner beans and stump carrots, but this is usually a highly contested class so each veg will have to be tip top.

And finally I was in bed the other night pulling off my boxers when the wife walked in on me. “Please don’t do that to the dogs!” she said.

Cosy Powell drumming home

I was talking to my good mate Craven Morehead the other day (great looking bloke, superb grower, massive cock) and he has asked me to help him do a book on growing to show as there isn’t a decent one out there that appeals to novices and experienced growers alike. Admittedly there is one by a chap called Derek Brooks (hey I wonder if he’s the same arsewipe ‘D Brooks’ who put negative feedback on Craven’s Carrots at Dawn reviews on Amazon?) but quite frankly I’ve had more enjoyable and interesting days watching a freshly painted wall dry whilst having Hitler’s Mein Kampf read out to me. I did have a copy of it but it really was so shit I gave it away so there’s a definite market out there for a book on the hobby that isn’t coma inducing.

All in all we haven’t had too bad a Summer I reckon, although there will always be someone in deepest, darkest Ingleton that will never be satisfied with the weather. In fact, if wet fannies were falling from the sky and landing on his face he’d probably moan about the taste. Yes, we had that really hot spell in late June/early July when the whole country was sweating like a Scotsman watching Crimewatch, but we’ve also had some decent rain showers so there should be some good stuff at the shows over the next few weeks. This is sure to make winning a ticket at the highest level shows even more difficult so growers will have to be really critical about their exhibits. If there are any faults then you’ve probably got no chance as the judges at that level will be micro-analysing every last vegetable in their deliberations. A tiny scratch on your cucumber could be the difference between first and second or even no ticket at all so whilst everything is now growing well in all probability, there are still things you can be doing to make sure your stuff is as perfect as you can make it. This involves daily checking, constant vigilance and attention to detail. At lots of village shows and certain NVS shows just north of the Isle of Wight you can probably chuck any old shit down and win however.

I visited Marcus Powell’s allotments in Buckinghamshire last night and he is most definitely going to be in amongst the tickets as he has some fabulous looking stuff. Last season he won the prestigious collection class with this display, so apologies in advance if you’re eating.

His blanch leeks in particular stood out yesterday, and his celery weren’t far behind, with several sowings at different levels of progress to cover the many shows he does. It was interesting to listen to him as we went through his different crops talking about what he does with each one, we all do things slightly differently but there’s always something we can learn to make things better, so listening to another grower is one of the most worthwhile things you could do if you want to win that elusive red card.

I was gratified to see that his caulis and runner beans for Malvern were at the same stage as mine, as my caulis had been decimated by pigeons shortly after planting out but have now recovered pretty well. My runners seemed to be painfully slow this season, but again were on a par with Marcus’. However, he had some superb runners just starting to crop for the Midlands Branch Championships at Shrewsbury next week and the thing that struck me most were the length of his flower trusses, they were well over a foot long. Mine get to 8 inch if I’m lucky. Must be different soils, or the half strength Viagra he feeds them on. He takes the other half to stop himself falling out of bed.

One of the many jobs I shan’t be missing from next year is growing quality marrows to show. This involves tying them up canes inclined at an angle so that the developing fruits hang down away from the coarse foliage, much as you would do for cucumbers. Making the framework for the canes is a job I invariably rush, which means they often collapse at inopportune moments. After high winds yesterday I suffered a breakage in a couple of the canes high up which will require fiddly repair work whilst getting scratched up to buggery from the plants themselves. However, it hasn’t affected this rather superb looking fruit (var. Blyton Belle), which is rugger ball sized, and I have several others grapefruit sized which should give me a matching set for Welsh Branch in early September. Growing like this means they colour up all the way around and you don’t get that flat discoloured side you do when they grow on the ground.

In it to win it (part 2)

Apologies for making this blog invite only, but it had to be done as I was getting so much spam that it was taking too long to wade through each day. Also, I shouldn't be showing up in search engines before too long which should keep certain folk happy. I always found it quite amusing that people complained about my blog so much when there was this perfectly useful little 'X' thingy in the top right hand corner of all computers that could be clicked if you no longer deemed me worthy of screen time.

I took virtually all my big onions down to Westminster. Not that they were that great but after staging I realised I was going to be taking home a fair few quid. This was because I was one of only two entries in both the large onion class and the collection of onions, and although I knew they wouldn't get a 'first' the prize money for coming second was £50 and £40 respectively, so for the sheer effort of bothering to take them I was handsomely rewarded. Some of them were still green underneath despite having been harvested mid-August.

Whilst we enjoyed Westminster Tuesday really is a crap day to hold a veg show meaning at least one day off work but the venue is stunning and as I have intimated there is a fair old wedge of prize money on offer. I've never really understood mid-week shows and I believe it puts the working man at a disadvantage but I suppose each organisation has its reasons, some of them historical. I was contemplating giving Westminster a miss next year but as the entries were down by quite a bit then you do feel a certain responsibility to keep going for the sake of the future of the show. Hopefully I've persuaded a few of you to have a crack next year as there is some good prize money on offer if you are prepared to make the effort. I hope the RHS does a bit more marketing on the Westminster Shows as it would be a shame if the show died through lack of interest. Yes it's a real bind getting veg into the middle of London but if you can then try and car share and by using a website called ParkatMyHouse you can find a local address to leave your vehicle for about a tenner a day. I found a pub about a mile away. If you travel overnight and don't leave until 6pm you also avoid the congestion charge, although sadly not the crazy London traffic. Alternatively the North East Derby DA get a coach load up which certainly takes the stress of driving through London away and I'll be going back to this option next year. If anyone needs advice on entering, getting to and from the venue for future reference then drop me a line.

I grew pot leeks for the first time this season and whilst I virtually neglected them after planting they nevertheless made a reasonable entry at Westminster and won me another first prize, although I was the only entry! Another ten quid. Ker-ching! I shall certainly be growing a few more of these next season, the variety was Cumbrian. I grew some reasonable Pendle blanch leeks last season despite almost total neglect so perhaps there is a theme running here? They were certainly a lot easier to prepare and transport than blanch leeks.

To round up the rest of my Westminster results I got a 3rd for two beautifully conditioned Blyton Belle marrows although one was a bit smaller than the other. Once we get to the end of September they don't grow as fast as they did and I ran out of time to match them up for size. The larger one had actually been cut at the end of August.

A pleasing 3rd in the coloured potato class with Amour. I really wish the judges at Westminster would rearrange the exhibits how they found them rather than slinging them back on the plate from a few yards away!

1st with 15 leaves of chard 'Vulcan'. I have to thank Leesa for choosing the 15 and arranging them.

2nd in the chilli pepper class with Hungarian Hotwax. Leesa chose these too!

3rd for parsnips 'Polar', sadly a variety that is no longer available. Looks like i'm back to square shouldered 'Pinnacle' next year!

3rd for courgettes 'Ambassador'.

1st for lettuce 'Saladin'. I dug the roots up intact, washed off all the soil, wrapped them in damp tissue followed by kitchen foil and the plants stay nice and fresh for the two days of the show no problem.

A very pleasing 3rd for my celery 'Evening Star'. I even beat former National Champion Geoff Butterworth so that has given me a real boost to carry on growing celery despite the fact that we don't eat the bloody stuff! Besides, celery doesn't last too well on the show bench and gets left behind every time.

2nd for french beans 'Prince'. The timing of my sowings were for Malvern so I was really struggling to keep these going and they were a tad 'beany'.

3rd in the 4 dishes class. I had to stage some pretty poor 250g onions in this class or I might have easily got a 2nd. Sherie Plumb won the class.

So that's my final show of the season done and dusted. I'll leave the final word to Medwyn.

Malvern 2012 part 2

At Saturday's AGM the NVS voted against any change in the quantities called for in classes such as long carrots, parsnips and blanch leeks. In fact the motion was soundly thrashed with only 11 of us voting for change. There had been some powerful lobbying going on behind closed doors so the status quo rules the roost for now. When I put my hand up to support the motion it looked as if I was asking where the toilet was. When there was a show of hands in opposition to the motion the gust of wind blew Gareth Cameron's wig out of the window. Whilst I believe it is a mistake we have to take it on the chin and move on.


Because I didn't do much showing this year I was able to actually get a set of 5 parsnips on the bench, something I've always dreamed of doing. This will now probably not happen again for a long time as I go back to supporting my local shows with entries as I just won't be able to spare 5 for one class. But I managed it, and I was happy with how they looked despite a tiny spot of carrot fly damage on a couple of them. Mine are on the left of this shot, those on the right being the 2nd placed set of Ian Stocks.

At every show an exhibitor unveils a dish of veg that stops everyone in right their tracks and when I saw Ian's parsnips being unveiled on Friday evening I stuck my neck out and said 'best in show'. They were huge roots and absolutely pristine white, and I wanted them to be mine so much that my bollocks throbbed, so it was with a huge amount of surprise that I came back after judging to find he'd only been awarded 2nd place behind Andrew Jones. Andrew's set were a superb exhibit but I didn't feel they were a patch on Ian's, as they were a bit rough and knobbly in places. Apparently Ian lost out because his shoulders were square-ish in profile when compared to Andrew's which admittedly were very uniformly round when viewed end on. This was really harsh, and in my opinion the point or two that Ian might have lost on shape and form can't have been enough to negate the incredible quality and condition. But that's life and we have to live with a judge's decision. Ian later later threw his dolly out of the pram when his vegetable animal was also adjudged 2nd to Mo Robinson's red onion cat.....named 'Simon the big pussy'. Another Northern comedienne who is well and truly in my sights from now on!


I also staged a set of 3 celery (centre) which when compared to those of Ray Sale (left) and Jim Pearson (right) didn't disgrace themselves either.

You really do learn something at every show and I was disappointed that I had to remove a few split stalks when preparing them Friday morning. Colin Higgs is a good celery grower and he advised that I have to remove them as soon as I see them, and get all round the plant at least once a fortnight. This allows the next layer of stalks to fill out. I planted all my celery against a fence meaning I could only tend them from the '2 o-clock to the 10 o-clock' position. Next year I shall plant them in another raised bed where I can get at them the full 360 degrees.

I must make a special mention of Marcus Powell who won the inaugural marrow class. I felt the NEC had boobed by asking for 3 rather than two, knowing that it takes a lot of room to grow marrows along rods in order to let the fruits hang down, but Marcus managed it with this cracking set of Bush Baby.

I was hoping to get a set of 3 Blyton Belle but as in previous years I found this variety very shy to produce a quantity of good shaped fruits despite growing 5 plants in this way so I have decided to have sex with Marcus if he'll give me some of his prize seed.

Marcus also came a splendid 4th in the runner bean class that was won as usual by Sherie Plumb, her set also being judged the best exhibit in show.

More photos, reports and offers of bodily abuse in return for champion strain seed to follow over the coming days.

Trug-a-lug, keep the sand in the tub

The trug class at any show just seems to get more and more popular. There were 13 entries at Harrogate this year and when Leesa placed ours on the bench I think we both felt we would be out of the tickets for once, and got on with our other exhibits. However, we were very wrong and came back to a 2nd place ticket and a very useful 30 quid in the back pocket! Having more time after judging I was able to run a judge's critical eye over the exhibits and realise that the judge had made a good call and taking that little bit of extra time prepping the veg that I give to Leesa paid off, although it does help to have someone with an outstanding eye for design! Most entrants had merely piled a lot of veg very high so I think a little thought and careful veg placement catches the judge's eye very often.

We've bought a brand new wicker trug for Malvern where there are no dimension stipulations, and having come 3rd here for the past three years we're hoping to go at least one better. However, this is the winning trug from last year, exhibited by a Mr Porter so you can clearly see there's a very, very high standard.

I had a decent weekend for my wallet. Leesa is anti-gambling so it was with some consternation that she witnessed people chucking money in my direction over the weekend (if it had been the other way I'd have done it without her seeing). As well as winning the 3x2 (BBC) against Dan Uddersworthy and Paul Bastardfeatures and a tenner from each to boot, I had a last minute bet with Dave Thornton that i'd beat him him in the National Carrot Championships. I'd lost money to Dave the past couple of seasons when we had a yearly 20 quid side bet on accumulated points during the season and he'd beaten me hands down. When I'd pulled my long carrots I knew I had a pretty good entry and just before I washed them in the bath I picked up an email from Dave asking if we were having a bet this season? I cheekily suggested the Carrot Championships and of course he bit my hand off as he's never seen me produce decent long carrots since i've known him. His hangdog face was a picture when he saw me staging mine next to his and it was a superb moment when I finally saw him open his wallet to hand over the crisp 10 pound note. This is an end view of the National Carrot Championships, Dave's entry nearest camera and mine next up.

I guess I only have two or three decent long carrots left to pull, judging by the tops, and I was very lucky that the 5 I pulled for Harrogate seemed like peas in a pod, and I had no need to keep pulling any more. I won't be entering long carrots at Malvern where you need 5 but I may have an entry of 3 at Westminster a week or so afterwards. It took a text from Dan to remind me that I'd not actually bothered emptying out my drums this season as time was against me and I wasn't that fussed about long carrots this season. If that is the result then I am seriously tempted to not bother emptying out any of my drums and beds this Winter, be it for carrots, parsnips or stumps. They were the best long carrots I've grown for several seasons so I can't see the point of all that hard work unless it's absolutely necessary...which it appears not to be. It could just be that I got very lucky of course!

At Seagrave I benched a couple of sets of long carrots that I'd grown in these pipes (pictured before I'd set them up or secured them), 28 in all so the rows of pipes were 4 deep.

I tried this method last season and whilst I had some heavy specimens they were throwing out all sorts of side roots a couple of feet down as I neglected them from July onwards. This season I gave them a little more attention and when the pipes were emptied out I was pleasantly surprised at the results, one of the sets coming second to a set of my stumps (sadly I forgot to take any photos). It has encouraged me to have a go again next season but I will be growing them in single file inside my soon to be acquired polytunnel so that I can give them much more frequent watering. I found that once the foliage gets large it's impossible to tend to them properly and I had a few with green shoulders. I couldn't see through the forest of leaves that a few shoulders had come clear of the compost which tends to sink in pipes. I believe it's a method that is worth persevering with and indeed Paul Wlodarczak's winning tap root set had an excellent carrot that was grown in a pipe.(below...my 4th placed set next to it)

Dave T is determined to win his money back so we've gone double or quits on stump carrots at the National. Dave's stumps scored more than mine at Harrogate but I have a bed of 28 from which to pull my 5 for Malvern so i'm banking on that yielding me some corkers. It's the first one I sowed and the sides were protected with polythene so the plants have been really cossetted and I'm hoping to have some really pronounced stump ends. If neither of us gets a ticket then the two entries will be judged separately by an independant adjudicator! At least I can't lose anything on the season with a double or quits can I?

One class I was hoping to enter at Malvern was for 3 quality marrows, a class that has been introduced for the first time at National level. I grew 5 plants up along inclined metal poles and managed to harvest my first good specimen a couple of weeks ago.

However, I do find Blyton Belle a bit shy to produce fruits and whilst I have another couple growing I fear there isn't enough time for them to catch up with the one i've cut. Graham Wagstaffe won marrows at Harrogate with this lovely neat pair.

Graham is another top grower and he also won the 250g onion class at Harrogate with this uniform set of 5, variety Toughball I think. I believe they were probably the same set I saw win at Notts DA at the end of August.

However, the picture above doesn't do justice to how small they were.....in other years these would be classed as almost embarrassingly small and i'm estimating they were only about 180g if that, but because of their exceptional quality in this most difficult of seasons they beat larger less well conditioned exhibits. It just goes to show that good small ones can beat larger ones, whatever the veg, so long as you have good form, shape, colour, uniformity and condition. I have a similar sized set put to one side for Malvern which I will have no qualms about showing. They are easily my best looking set of small onions and are pretty well matched. However, if I hadn't seen Graham's winning set I probably wouldn't have dared show them at Malvern.

My car park pass for Malvern arrived today. If you enter the National you get a free entry ticket and if you enter 5 classes or more on the Malvern side you get another, which saves a good few quid. If you get chance try and get to Malvern. Apart from the National Vegetable Society's Championships there are dahlia, chrysanth, cacti, fuchsia and many other competitions not to mention the multitude of other attractions in the showground itself. It's a huge country show and you really do need a full day to get round so get there early as soon as the gates open. We are hoping to get a chicken run set up over the Winter so we'll be eyeing up the various stalls at Malvern that sell chicken houses. If I don't need to empty out my sand drums I should have plenty of time to construct it. I bought some of the winning eggs in the after show auction at Seagrave Saturday night and had them on toast today for my lunch. The yokes were huge and shop bought eggs don't come close.

Bummer!

It took me a while but I finally managed to bench a set of runner beans and cucumbers at a high level of showing at Harrogate over the weekend. Whilst I wasn't placed I was very happy with how they looked and they certainly didn't look to be in the wrong company.

My cu's were much bigger than everyone else's but as the only two I had ready I had to go with them. They were 17" long and about 3" diameter.

One of these had been cut 5 days previously, wrapped in clingfilm and stored in the fridge whilst I waited for the other one to catch up. The one cut earlier kept in great condition but the second one didn't quite catch up in length, being about 3/8" short so I would have lost points for uniformity. One also had a strange wiggly line etched into it about an inch long at the flower end which I think was the work of a tiny snail I found when the fruit was quite small, so again I lost points on condition. And I managed to retain the flowers without having to glue them on, although I was convinced this wouldn't be the case as the roads around Harrogate appeared to have many potholes. I managed to hit every one in the dark and I was felt certain they they would be shaken off before I got to the showground. I need a set of 3 for Malvern and have 4 contenders all growing away nicely, about an inch or so different in length, the longest being 14" already. I won't leave the longest to grow so long or so big this time (I'll settle for 16"), so that I have plenty of time to let the others catch up, now that I know the clingfilm trick works nicely.

My runner beans weren't world beaters but Dave Thornton was impressed and said they were a tidy set.

Well done to my chum John Ellis for coming 4th in this class. I'd actually started picking my beans nearly two weeks before the show, storing them at an incline on a pane of glass set in a tray with the stalks only in a puddle of water. You couldn't tell the difference between the ones picked earlier or the day before so that's another important tip to be used in future, my thanks to John Trim for sharing this one. I have entered the National at Malvern but as I'll need 15 beans here that may well be a tall order. I settled at 15" rather than trying to be clever and getting longer beans that were showing signs of being 'beany'. I have quite a few about 12" long on the vines so I hope to start cutting in the next few days.

My french beans 'Prince' are all starting to come at once and this is another class i've entered at the National. I was speaking to former champ Ronnie Jackson over the weekend (he supplied me the seed) and he felt my timing was cock on. What I need to do now is to keep banging the water into the pots so that they don't get a check in growth and start to run to seed i.e. go beany. I won't try to get superlong pods, and think i'll settle at 8", cutting them when they reach length and storing in a similar manner to my runners.

This is the set that won at Harrogate, benched by my pal Paul Wlodarczak.

Paul had a stunningly successful weekend, winning the tap root class and coming a tantalisingly close 2nd in the National Carrot Championships. He let slip that he wasn't intending to show next year due to a prior family commitment. Needless to say he is now very tempted to have a go at Harrogate next year when it stages the National Championships. How can you even begin to think about not doing it next season Paul?

Peter Glazebrook once again broke the record for the heaviest onion at Harrogate, raising the benchmark to a staggering 18lbs 1oz. Peter also won all the other 'giant' classes so he had a very lucrative weekend.

Dan came 3rd in the heaviest marrow class and I was very amused to see that he and Paul Bastow put 'Simon' down on the variety cards. Morecambe and fucking Wise they aint!

I couldn't resist having a quick photocall with my namesake at the breakdown however!

Dan actually spent Sunday continually rolling his tongue back up into his mouth and causing concern to the security guards looking after Carol Vorderman, after he took hundreds of photos of her backside! My only comment is I'd like to see the size of the shoehorn used to get her buttocks into these jodphurs! I've seen less dramatic dead heats in a zeppelin race! I know arse botox injections are all the rage these days but I think she may have overdone it a little!