Happy Birthday Dan the Man

I thought I'd mark a special occasion that will occur tomorrow, that of the birthday of one of my blogging buddies and who i'm happy to call a friend. Right...that's the niceties out of the way, let's start the pisstaking!


What can I say about Dan that I haven't already said? Dan Unsworth is 49 tomorrow, and if he isn't, then he sure fucking looks it. He had a troubled upbringing in life. The day he was born his parents ran away from home. I wouldn't say Dan is unique exactly....I've seen plenty of people like him before but I did have to pay an admission fee. He's one of those rare men who can light up a room.......as soon as he walks out of it. He's the kind of man you'd want to use as a blueprint....to build an idiot! Actually he isn't stupid...he's just possessed by a retarded ghost. He also has a physics degree, which I think you'll agree is absolutely essential for throwing clay pots all day. He is listed in Who's Who as What the Fuck?

A little known fact is that Dan was actually first choice for the Patrick Swayze role in Ghost.

That was until Demi Moore saw a photo of him and told the Director to fuck off.

But he stuck at the acting profession for a while and made his fortune in the 80's with his role as the honey monster in the sugar poofs adverts, the producers preferring him to established actors of the time as they didn't have to spend money on expensive make-up.

After an unfortunate accident in the 90's involving electricity, a swimming pool and a faulty sex toy Dan had to have a brain transplant. Unfortunately the brain rejected him, so the doctors advised him to pursue a hobby that any twat can do. He chose growing exhibition vegetables and started his very prolific allotment blog, writing under the assumption that if he keeps talking one day he'll say something intelligent. In 2010 Dan grew this near 10lb onion. To avoid confusion Dan is the one wearing a watch.

A deeply thoughtful man, Dan has always sought to avoid the mistakes of his parents by using birth control. He has many friends.

Although they only got back in touch in recent years, Dan and Paul Bastow actually went to the same school together as this photo shows.

In his local area he has a bit of a reputation with the females and is known as The Ladykiller. They take one look at him and die of shock! His favourite chat up line is 'why don't you slip into something more comfortable?' They always do....a coma!

He once answered an ad on a Dating site from a woman who said she had a huge pussy.

He wasn't falling for that again, so his following date was with a woman who said she had a very wet pussy.

Apart from growing onions he has other interests and hobbies, including coarse fishing. To avoid confusion Dan is the one with the hat.

He dreams of going to America where the fishing is a different class altogether.

He also likes a bit of proper photography and recently snapped this superb pic of a robin outside his bathroom window.

Quite what he did to produce the startled look on the robin's face doesn't bear thinking about but it just goes to show that Dan has a huge interest in Nature ......in spite of what it did to him.

In recent years Dan has tried to grow some monster veg and last season managed to cultivate this huge marrow. To avoid confusion Dan is not the green one. (Although people who meet him often end up green!)

Recently he made history when Facebook went to court for the first time ever to try to force him to withdraw his page on the grounds his face was frightening mass murderers. A little unfair, as when he walks into a room people suddenly feel the urge to clap....their hands over their eyes. No-one messes with Dan. At well over 6' tall he has the perfect weapon against muggers.....his face!

After a spate of late night flashing incidents the local council recently insisted that Dan be securely boxed up each night.

Anyways, I'm sure all of you will join me in wishing Dan a happy birthday for tomorrow and I hope you like the knuckle protectors I've sent you. They should help protect them when they drag on the floor.

(I hope this teaches anyone never to put embarrasing photos on Facebook, as I WILL steal them)