If you can't beet them

About 3 weeks ago I filled this old water tank with sieved compost from my compost heap, topped it off with sieved bagged compost and sowed a few rows of beetroot Pablo with a view to timing these (hopefully) for Malvern at the end of September. The class at the Midland Championships calls for 4 roots so I will have to pull the whole bed to even hope of getting a matching set. At village show level I may have to pull 20 or so and even then I will be struggling to find a set of 3 that match, so I will have my work cut out if I'm expecting to get a good set of 4 from this lot.

Growing this way I hope to be able to pull some globe beet with nice long tap roots coming exactly out of the centre of the stem. I shall also be able to carefully top up the tank with more compost in order to cover the shoulders of the beet and hopefully prevent the corkiness that can downpoint you. I shall be watering from time to time with a salty solution which I'm told will help to improve the colour and making sure they don't go short of nitrogen. Beetroot is one crop that, surprisingly perhaps, requires quite a lot of nitrogen.

Last year the winning beet at Malvern caused a bit of a stir when it soon became obvious after the judges had made their decision that the grower had oiled his roots with some foreign substance. They were still bright and shiny when everyone else's had dried out. You tend to keep your beet wet when you put them onto the showbench, wrapped in damp cloth until just before you have to vacate the tent. Clever judges will leave the beet until later on in the judging process for them to dry out a bit when it is easier to see any blemishes in the skin finish. At Malvern I can only assume the class was judged early on and this competitor's underhanded action went unnoticed. By late afternoon on day two they were still in pristine condition and it was glaringly obvious to see. A pity as the guy in question is a top grower.

On the other hand was it really cheating? Wasn't he merely exhibiting his produce to maximum effect. We talc our onions and that's accepted. And the night before a show I will soak my beet in buckets of weak vinegar solution to improve the colour. Am I cheating too? It's a contentious issue and I for one am not the sort of person to start an argument. Amen!

Onion, leek and tennis update

Big day tomorrow as England's Andy Murray goes for glory in the Wimbledon quarter finals. In the meantime my remaining leeks are coming along nicely and so far I've escaped leek moth caterpillars and leek rust, both of which I've been prone to as I grow my plants outside. As with canker on parsnips I think both these diseases are more prevalent in warm, wet summers. As it's been decidedly warm and dry I assume this is the main reason neither has managed to take hold.

My onions are swelling out too, the biggest one being 12" in diameter**. However, the foliage is quite pale looking which at first I thought was down to thrip damage but I can find no sign of this pest. I think it's merely due to being grown in the unshaded greenhouse.....they're just scorched.

My Vento onions growing in the outside raised beds are looking very healthy. These went in a little later this year so I don't expect to be harvesting these until towards the end of July/early August when they reach the 3.25" diameter mark. Through experience and a little trial and error I've found this measurement allows me to harvest onions that weigh just under the 250g mark. Some local shows may still ask for 8oz onions, which equates to about 227g. Different onion cultivars may need to be harvested at different diameters so don't shout at me if yours weigh more as in all probability I shall just laugh.

Looking forward, today I had a schedule through the post for a show that I had advised the committee on some changes earlier in the year. I'm glad they took my advice and I'm very hopeful the changes will persuade a few more local growers to have a crack. One of the things I asked them to do is to publish my telephone number and email address on the schedule for people to ask me any questions in the run-up to the show. I hope to be inundated with questions.

** I do of course mean 12" circumference. I am what you would call around these parts a soft twat. Many thanks to Paul for pointing this out. Bastard.

Brassica'd off!

Despite growing my cabbages completely under this green netting some critters have still managed to get in and lay some eggs. Tonight I poked my head inside to see some holes on one of my plants and closer inspection revealed 3 or 4 fairly large green caterpillars ( too early for cabbage whites which are yellow and black). These have been duly squashed but I shall have to be vigilant in the next few days in case there are any more lurking.

If i'm honest there are quite a few large holes in the netting so I'll have to get the knitting needles out!

Today's quiz

This weekend I will be sowing some seed in these metre high tubes with a view to showing them in 90-100 days time. I grew some last season but didn't write about it for the simple fact that they were shit. I've since learned a few more things about them so will be having another go because when well grown they can look quite striking in the 'any other veg' class.

Usual prize.....first correct answer gets it.....

Ate two brute, eh?

Vigilance is the key from now on. As I've said just about everything has now been planted so it's a case of keeping an eye out for pests and pre-empting any disease problems such as blight on your spuds and tomatoes. I've lost a couple of leeks in the past few days.....they went all pale and stopped growing and something was obviously wrong. Upon lifting some tiny maggots were eating the base away causing the plants to collapse. Shitbags.

My thoughts are now turning to a show I may do in a couple of weeks time and for which I set away some potential exhibits many weeks ago, a lot earlier than I would normally do. July 10th would be the earliest I have ever 'shown' so today I've been assessing the chances of the veg being ready in time. (They certainly won't perform any worse than that total sack of shite on a South African football field earlier today!)

The peas (sourced from good Scottish stock....cheers Ian!) are growing well and I should have some super pods.

















I have plenty of lettuce at various stages around the plot so should be able to enter this class also. I will dig the roots up and wrap in damp paper towelling to exhibit. Otherwise the heads will soon go limp on the showbench.

















The carrots in an old kitchen bin could be good. Growing so few means I may have a problem finding a uniform set of 3 however.

















And I wasn't holding out much hope for the spuds in a pot in a bucket experiment but after having a bit of a 'furtle' in the compost today I exposed a couple of decent looking tubers. I grew 3 buckets of Winston and 3 buckets of Kestrel and the Kestrel in particular looked excellent. I shall only need a set of 3 so I shall cut off the foliage next weekend in order to give the tubers a week to harden their skins.

Dire!

Talk about mixed feelings......I had a fiver on Germany before the tournament. Yaaaaaay! Looks like the Krauts have finally got revenge for that 'goal' in '66'. Never mind. Let's all sit back and enjoy watching Andy Murray play like Bambi on tranquilisers against Nadal.

Get ye gone Gerrard, Lampard, Heskey, Terry, Barry. Back to the drawing board!

In the meantime I've planted just about everything that needed to go in save a few marrows and courgettes. Best tip I can give during the current heatwave is to do your watering in the evening. Worst thing you can do is water over the plants in full sun. The water droplets can cause scorch by acting as a magnifying lens. All sorts of diseases can get hold once this happens, whereas by watering when the sun has gone down the water can seep down into the soil during the night and get to the roots.

Any.....c'mon SWEINSTEIGER!

It's just like WW2 again!

The French surrender early, the Yanks come late and we're left to fight the f***ing Germans!

We may have won but let's not get carried away....we're still shit!

If England win the World Cup I'll stage my exhibits at Malvern with my c*ck hanging out!

First red cards bagged?

Seems a bit big-headed I know but I harvested the rest of my shallots tonight and I have some real stonkers. I have 50 or so at about 2" diameter and they're all nice and round with no signs of any going out of shape. I won all my local shows last year but my shallots then were nowhere near as good as these. As long as they don't rot in store (which can happen....I'm bound to lose a few) then I feel confident I shall have 5 or 6 wins at local level. Whether they go on to be good enough to compete at a higher level only time will tell......but I'm quite happy about putting them up there come September at Malvern, and October at Westminster.

And before there are any smart comments....that isn't a strange hat i'm wearing...it's merely a cooker hood!!!

Tommy tatered?

A couple of Cedrico tomatoes are causing me concern. After a blight forecast I thought I'd give my indoor tomatoes a spray of Dithane as they can still get a dose of blight from splashes that drip from the roof of my not very watertight greenhouse.

However, my spraygun decided to throw a complete titfit and I gave a couple of plants a right old dose of white spray as it spurted out in one big whoosh. The two plants in question looked very sickly almost straight away and have never fully recovered. It looks as if they have been given a spray with some weedkiller so the high concentration of Dithane they received obviously had a similar effect.

I've replaced one plant already and think I may soon have to bite the bullet and replace this one also.....but I have no Cedrico left so it will have to be good old Gardener's Delight for the cherry tomato classes.

In future I will test spray before I point anything at a plant.

For fox sake!

Not quite sure about my parsnips this season. Despite all being sown within a few days of each other I have quite a variance in the height of the foliage from drum to drum. One good thing is that there doesn't appear to be any sign of yellow fleckles (canker) on the foliage after a spray with fungicide a few weeks ago.

I am growing my courgettes a different way this season after seeing this method in the NVS magazine. Basically you tie the plant to stout poles as it grows in effect growing it like a standard. The fruits will eventually be borne clear of the ground and the lower leaves can be snapped off as they start to decay. It also allows me to grow other crops underneath.

And you didn't believe me but it's happened again.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3022078/Fox-mauls-boy-in-playground.html

Total urban extermination is the only answer. Any comments disagreeing with this viewpoint will be deleted immediately!

Allium highs and lows

I have now harvested 25+ exhibition shallots at the 45mm diameter mark. They all had flat sides where they were in contact with their brothers and sisters in the clump but these should round up during ripening. They should also swell a few millimetres too.

I have left many more to grow on to try and get them even bigger. Many are now bigger than the ones I've harvested but there is a danger they could go out of shape. If they stay round and don't go 'pregnant' these will be a real bonus.

I had to pull a leek up yesterday as it had gone to seed. There is no point leaving it when it gets like this. I think it was probably because I neglected the watering during the recent hot weather. No other plants are showing signs of bolting so hopefully I've got away with just losing this one.

At least the onions are now starting to swell. Note the 3 canes around the plant with string tied between them to keep the plant growing upright. The idea is to stop the bulb from slanting to one side and growing out of symmetry.

However, today I took a day off from the plot to go for a short hike with the good lady and mutt to Riber Castle near Matlock, Derbyshire. I spent many a happy day here in my childhood but now it is derelict and fenced off.

Pity, the views from here are fantastic.

Severe flood warning

England is bracing itself for severe flooding after 5 million Scots pissed themselves laughing on Friday night at the inept and totally hilarious performance of their so-called football stars. However, next week England can gain some revenge when Andy Murray resumes his annual futile attempt to claim the Wimbledon crown. Murray is actually the secret love child of Martina Navratilova and the Chuckle Brothers. Unfortunately, when he comes up against anyone good he plays like his father(s) and has the personality of his mother so England is hopeful of more ribtickling inadequacy once more!

On the plot things are starting to fill out so there is not much more planting space.

The Sweet Candle stumps are really growing away well under the enviromesh covers.

Which is a lot more than can be said for the long carrots which are barely 6" high. Even Dave Thornton is suffering this problem so I'm not alone. I really am at a loss as to why the long carrots have refused to grow after good germination. I doubt I'll have decent specimens for village shows at this rate, let alone Malvern and the like.

Under the green netting I have some cracking and totally unblemished cabbages. Growing in bottomless pots the lower leaves are well off the ground and so plenty of air can circulate.

I bet Argentina are shitting themselves!

Watch out, there are sapsuckers about!

It's a strange old season so far. But I seem to be saying that every year as weather conditions don't follow set patterns that they seemed to in yesteryear. Perhaps they never did! One good thing about the cold Winter and Spring is that I've only just noticed the first green aphids on some rose buds as well as a few black aphids on some broad beans (by the way, broad beans are the only crop I grow to eat, not show....delicious). Their population was dealt a severe setback but rest assured they'll soon multiply and you'll need to check your parsnips and carrots carefully from now on. It's easy to neglect them once they're up and growing well but one day you'll notice the foliage looking mottled and possibly stunted and closer inspection will show you a colony of aphids on the central fresh shoot tips.

Watch out Sherie!

The spuds are growing well in the bags. There are 5 varieties here.....Kestrel, Maxine, Blue Belle, Harmony and Camelot. They were all reduced to two shoots per tuber apart from Maxine which I reduced to one as I always struggle to get size on this variety. The bags need topping up with compost before the foliage gets too tall and it becomes impossible....in effect earthing up. I hope to get another row in of extra Kestrel and Maxine this weekend.

One thing I do need to do is to give the foliage a feed with ammonium sulphate when the foliage gets to a foot high or so. This is when the tubers are starting to initiate and gives the plants a nitrogen boost which should lead to bigger tubers as the foliage puts on a growth spurt.

I doubt I'll be keeping up with the likes of Sherie Plumb but the more bags you can grow the more chance you have of unearthing matching specimens.

Dammit

The problem with growing to show is that you cannot rectify any mistakes until next season and so it has just proved with my pickling shallots. I was harvesting them at about 29mm dia. thinking they may swell up to the 30mm mark during harvesting. In actuality they have gone way beyond that and are 31-33mm if anything. I should be able to manage a set below 30mm as the later ones were only getting to 27-28mm. Next year I will pull them at 27mm to be safe.
Anyways, my exhibition shallots are now over 40mm and the biggest one has stopped growing at 45mm so I have pulled this one up. I noticed that green shoots were no longer emerging from the centre of this one so that means it has finished this year's growing cycle. The rest of my shallots do have new shoots so hopefully these will continue to grow for a few days and these will also be harvested at about 45mm. If the picklers are anything to go by they will swell during ripening and make the 48-50mm mark.
















My onions are growing nicely and are on course for 2 pounders or so. I don't grow huge ones, just a decent size for a nice even set hopefully. The problem I have is growing them in my greenhouses where I also grow tomatoes and cucumbers.....not ideal.

A view of my leeks on the left and shallots on the right.

Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance prat!

Medwyn stresses the importance of the 6 p's but I somehow remember it being more than 6 where I grew up. The saying also goes that act or speak in haste and repent at leisure.....or at the public school I attended 'did I really overhear you just say you preferred football to rugby faggot boy? Just bend over and pick that soap up for me'.

Anyhow, I've learnt from previous all too frequent mistakes and really gone to town on my runner bean fence this season. Two stout 2"x2" tanalised timbers have been inserted into some metal box section that has been driven into the ground. Washing line has been stretched horizontally across top and bottom and green polypropylene string vertically between these. The whole support structure leans at an angle of about 25degrees from the vertical so that any developing beans hang down away from the foliage which can cause them to distort and go bendy.

6 plants have been planted into ground that was well prepared over winter with a trench dug and some manure put into the bottom. More seeds have been sown in situ. Don't forget to scatter some slug pellets. Or fox pellets if the murdering brown bastards are a problem in your area.

I'm growing a variety called Blyton Sabre again after growing it last year and getting some superb beans before the whole fence collapsed when I got swine flu at a critical time and I was too ill to get things back on track. I think you will all remember how I valiantly fought back from near certain death. What a superhuman effort that was!

Mystery veg

This plant has still not been identified and the first prize of my body is still on offer to the supplier of the first correct answer! C'mon guys.....you soooooo want me!

Blight alert

This rain coupled with high humidity means blight might not be too far away. If you grow potatoes or tomatoes outdoors, you may be advised to sign up to this free blight early warning system. It calculates if the criteria for something called the 'Smith Period' (no relation) has been fulfilled. This is 2 consecutive days where the minimum temp was 10deg C and there was 90% relative humidity for 11 or more hours on each of those days. According to my first ever feedback after I signed up yesterday my postcode is on high alert so I've sprayed my potato foliage with Dithane 945 tonight.


http://www.potato.org.uk/fab_blightwatch/signup.html

Ladies.....take note!

Imagine you are in Tesco, queuing at the checkout in single file. The girl in front of you does not have her purse and to your dismay you then realise you that you don't have your purse either. The solution is that your friend towards the back of the queue is offering to throw her purse to you, but you can't jump the queue until the purse has been thrown. Once the purse has been thrown you can quickly dodge the lass in front, catch the purse and then confront the girl on the checkout desk.


Now....that is the OFFSIDE RULE in language you can understand. Do not interrupt me (or any other lads) for the next 5 weeks asking stupid f***ing questions!

PELLETS!

All this rain is good for the crops as nothing perks up plants quite like rainwater. Tapwater really only keeps plants ticking over, but a good deluge really gets plants growing well. It also brings out a trizillion sodding slugs and snails so make sure you have your tub of slug pellets to hand (unless anyone from the Save Our Snotters campaign has any objections?) to scatter round susceptible crops such as beans, courgettes, lettuce and carrots. Rest assured snails especially will crawl across coarse sand to graze off young carrot seedlings so scatter some on your drums also. It's now safe to plant out all your tenders as any risk of frost should be gone, and you can successional sow peas, beans and lettuce in situ.

The shallots are swelling really nicely and I will start to harvest the first ones over the next few days as they reach the 48mm setting on my Smithyveg unpatented shallot measuring prong. The biggest ones have less than a quarter of an inch to go.

I have started to collar my blanch leeks but really should have done this when I planted them a few weeks ago, but I just never had time to get around to it. They have therefore all turned completely green on the barrels but will soon blanch again under cover. The canes set horizontally are important to support the heavy flags (leaves) as they grow.

The Sweet Candle stumps are still very healthy looking, justifying the enviromesh frame that I built to surround them. Hopefully no carrot fly or greenfly can get at them now.

The long beet in the pipes are a couple of inches long. Not sure what to expect from these from now on.

The celery has a loose collar for now (actually a bottomless plant pot) to encourage upright growth. A bog plant in the wild, you need to make sure the plants never go short of water. Not a problem at the moment.

I'm disappointed with my parsnips thus far. A real mixed bag size wise due to unprecedented germination problems. Hopefully a one off due to the extreme cold.

Now then.....I wonder if fox pellets exist?

I hate foxes

If you ever needed proof that these vermin need culling........

http://news.aol.co.uk/baby-twins-mauled-by-fox-in/article/20100606235226171342050?icid=mainukdl1link4http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.co.uk%2Fbaby-twins-mauled-by-fox-in%2Farticle%2F20100606235226171342050

Bring back hunting!

No veg.....just 3 mountains......

.....and 24 miles! This weekend saw me and 3 pals do the Yorkshire 3 peaks which involves doing the seriously major peaks of Pen-y-Ghent, Whernside and Ingleborough in less than 12 hours. I managed it......just.....in 10 hours and 50 minutes on a scorching hot day yesterday. It was a truly magnificent day in truly magnificent surroundings. There is one drawback and that is that you have to go to Yorkshire which is frequented by Yorkshiremen. A Yorkshireman is basically a Scotsman that has had any vestige of compassion and generosity ripped out of him, often via his arsehole.

After a few bevvies the night before it was a ridiculously early start for breakfast before the challenge.

A 7.15 start and the sun is only just above Pen-y-Ghent. We climbed up the right hand face.......quite a climb and it follows part of the Pennine Way.

Ian, Gary and Al on Pen-y-Ghent summit laughing at me feeling sick. 2 pints of Old Peculiar the night before were not sitting well with me. And a distinct lack of training meant I was struggling even this early on.

I was amazed at how many people were doing the challenge. There were thousands doing it and you were never more than a few yards from other people although my pal always seemed to be following women for some strange reason.

After a pit stop and a long awaited crap at the Station inn (never mind Touching the Void that was a real touching cloth moment) we walked beside the incredible Ribblehead viaduct and up Whernside. This is a real long slog and is the highest of the 3 at 2400'+.

A hazy view down on the viaduct from Whernside summit.

Ingleborough is the 3rd and final summit. I thought this looked the most daunting....

.....and it was! The route up was very steep in places.

But we all finally made it. Here I am on the final summit Ingleborough plucking up the strength for the 5 mile trek back the campsite in Horton in Ribblesdale. Isn't it weird how you can sometimes look dead fat and quite bald when you've done strenuous exercise for several hours. Must be some sort of optical illusion?

Dan (allotment diary) threatened to join us but chickened out the big Yorkshire pussy! His allotment was down there somewhere (view south from Ingleborough) so I had a piss on the summit in the hope it will contaminate his pumpkins eventually!

Now there's an offer you can refuse.....

I've now got 15 or so pickling shallots harvested at a gnat's cock under 30mm dia. The rest are catching up fast so I should have plenty to choose from. They inevitably have flat sides where they were growing against their brothers and sisters but they do round up during the ripening process. I leave them outdoors on this wire rack but throw some polythene sheet over them if rain is forecast.



The exhibition shallots have another 3/8" to 1/2" or so to swell out to the 48mm gauge.



The Vento 8oz onions have perked up but are slow to get going.



Sweet Candle stumps under enviromesh covers are coming along nicely.



I hope to grow some better Brigadier cabbages this season by keeping them under green netting to deter pigeons and butterflies. You cannot afford to have any holes in the foliage if you want to exhibit at higher than village level. Growing this way I find that they have a nice waxy bloom.

And finally a poser. I've never grown this crop before. It looks very insignificant at the moment but these tiny seedlings should grow up to 10 feet and produce dozens if not hundreds of specimens all identical in size, shape and colour. Chances are you've never seen them at your local show and indeed I cannot find them listed in the RHS show guide at all so I don't know how many points they'd be worth, but I'm guessing not many. Anyway, first person to answer correctly gets to have rampant sex with me as a reward.