Leeks and onions

Today I spent a pleasant hour at Aylestone allotments in the company of my pal Peter Loseby and his good lady. I'd gone there to collect some exhibition leeks and onions that he had got for me from Dave Metcalfe who is the legendary leek grower and who has developed the Pendle strain named after the Pendle hill in Lancashire that overlooks his village. The Pendle strain of leeks has won many of the big shows in the last few years so I'm hopeful of having some cracking leeks this season.

I was most impressed with the set up at Aylestone and the community spirit and most of all by their trading hut which offers the chance to buy composts and fertilisers at much reduced prices. I took the opportunity to buy 38litres of vermiculite for just over a fiver...a bargain price which sets me up nicely for all my long root mixes this season.

It's all happening round here...

The other day the police pulled the body of a 40 year old male out of the local river. He was wearing high heels, lipstick, a ginger wig, a Liverpool top, and had a dildo shoved up his arse.

Police removed the Liverpool shirt to save the family from embarrassment

Dream on City!

Potato prep

Most of the top growers grow their exhibition spuds in peat but because my local DIY and garden centre stores have gone all tree-huggy I couldn't source any peat locally last year. As a result I just used ordinary bagged compost, the cheapest I could find for the purpose. I didn't bother sieving out all the lumps but just put a handful each of Vitax Q4 and calcified seaweed into each bag and that was that. I wasn't holding out much hope of anything decent but the result was without doubt my best ever year for potatoes. They ended up being the easiest to clean I have ever experienced, so I shall be using similar methods this season.....more on this in April.

I never had any blight on my spuds at all last year so I have no qualms about re-using the same compost, albeit I have been sieving out the lumps over the winter. When I harvested them in early August all the spent compost was emptied out into an old bulk bag in my garage like the ones you get sand and gravel delivered from the builders' merchants.














During the last couple of months, every time I have had to go down to the garage at the bottom of my garden for anything I have made sure I've taken time out to sieve a couple of bucket loads in my Smithyveg unpatented sieving machine.

The box with the wheels has a piece of metal mesh with 6mm dia. holes at the bottom and by pushing and pulling it back and forth over the wooden frame the finer compost falls through the holes and into a compost bag, leaving all the dross behind. It's also important to do this on second hand compost to get out all the tiny 'volounteer' spuds left over from last season. You never get them all out when you're harvesting.This contraption really does make light work of the task and also keeps your wanking hand match fit.

Gradually I have got down the huge pile but I still have over half the bag to do so I need to get a shift on, but I am left with several bags of very fine compost that has all passed through the 1/4" sieve. The finer the mix then in theory the better shape your spuds will be.

I shall still buy in a few bags as I reckon at least one third of every bag of compost is lumps, bumps, sticks and all manner of other flotsam the manufacturers can get away with, so I shall end up with a third less bulk than I had last year. Try it yourselves....you'll be amazed at what you get.

Leicester Show goes ahead

I've had an email from one of the organisers of this show to confirm that it is indeed going ahead and should be doing so for at least another couple of years or so. That's great news for growers in my area as it's the biggest and best quality show and the benchmark for those aspiring to bigger things.

It also means I have an even longer show schedule and I shall seriously have to look at how much stuff I'm going to grow and plan things very carefully indeed.

Into a Belfast pub.....

.........comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. ' Jamie O'Conner and
me had a fight,' says Paddy.
' That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand.'
' That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
' Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?'
' That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's right tit, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a
fight.

Today at chez Smiff

Today I did at least manage a quick hour out in the garden, but barely scratched the surface. I got some well rotted muck onto this bed where I'm hoping to grow some decent cabbages this season. I shall dig it all in in the Spring.

In the course of my tidying I found two pairs of secateurs and 2 pairs of gloves.....all now drying out in my greenhouse. The secateurs will need a good spray of WD40!

As yet there is no green growth on my potted up shallots in the greenhouse so I couldn't resist turning one bulb over. I was relieved to see roots starting to form.

The first shoots on my show daffs are breaking the surface. I grow them in large pots so I can put them in a shady place if they're coming on too soon, or in the greenhouse to bring them on if they're late. At the moment the second option is seeming to be more likely, although as my show isn't until late March a lot can happen weather wise.

I packed the last of my dahlia tubers today. Ideally I should have done this way back in November but I was given these tubers by a top grower and they've been residing in my conservatory for over a month. This shows the tuber before preparation.

I prefer to cut off a lot of the tuber, even slicing through some of the fleshy roots and dusting the cut edges with sulphur powder to stop them rotting. I find this helps to store them in a neater, easier and more manageable fashion and doesn't seem to adversely affect it. As the cuttings come from the crown you don't really need to keep a huge root.

All safely stored in boxes of dry peat in my garage. I will start to water sometime in March when the weather has warmed up a bit (hopefully!).

Prize winning onions CAN start here

I've had an email recently from someone I've been trying to persuade to have a go at his local show. He's seen the size of other growers' onions being 5 or 6 inches tall already and convinced himself he'll never be able to compete.


Well, here are my onions, only just poking out of the compost and still at the 'loop stage'. I don't have bottom heat....at the moment these are sitting on my kitchen windowsill. In a couple of weeks I may transfer them to an amateurishly mackled growing chamber in my greenhouse, with a growlamp over them. What I'm trying to say is that size isn't everything even at this early stage. I don't want huge specimens, but would rather concentrate on growing a lot of onions in the 2-3lb range that are as alike as I can get them, well ripened and disease free.













Obviously, a good big'un will always beat a good littl'un, but if you can give your plants plenty of attention to detail, plant out identical sized plants all at the same depth, keep them growing upright, nice and steady, titivating and feeding as you go, and then harvest them in good condition, store them properly and exhibit a matching set of 3 or 5 evenly ripened bulbs, nicely tied......trust me, you will be able to compete, especially at local and village level. Follow my tips this coming season and I promise you that Eric Knobtwaithe who always wins your village show each year will bowing down to you come show day, the arrogant, ancient old bastard!

2010 schedule

There will probably be a few changes to the Smithyveg show season in 2010 as it looks like a couple of my regular shows will fall by the wayside due to funding issues in one instance and a lack of young blood on the other. As of this moment I intend to show at the following:

Sun 29th August Hathern, Leics (I have been asked to revamp their schedule......more on this later in the year)
Sun 5th Sept Sutton Bonington, Notts. (Open to local residents and members only)
Sat 11th Sept Seagrave, Leics (After show auction is a hoot)
Sat 18th Sept Sileby, Leics
Sat 25th Sept Midland NVS, Malvern (this will be the main focus of my growing season)
Sat 2nd Oct Sturton, Lincs
Tue 5th Oct RHS late show, Westminster Halls, London
Sat 30th Oct Derby Show (never exhibited this late in the year before)

Because of the two shows that are likely to disappear I will therefore be taking the opportunity to step up in class and exhibit at National level but I do think it's important to continue supporting these smaller shows and take an active involvement as much as possible. I'm on a couple of committees, and have input on 2 more so I think I'm doing my bit.

All being well I shall be competing in 3 shows against Dave Thornton and he has duly challenged me to a wager on the amount of red, blue and yellow cards that each of us gets in those 3 shows. This sounded like a good idea at first but in the cold light of day I wonder what I've done. That's me, one 2nd in the Midland Championship's novice class against him, an ex-National Carrot champ and current National shallot champ. I shall really have to be on top of my game and I do have one or two ideas where I may be able to gain advantages over him. We haven't settled on the wager amount but if he wins I'm hoping it'll be a fiver, and if I win I'm hoping it'll be an undefended kick to his bollocks.

A cracking read

Got my January bulletin from the NVS through today. This was supposed to be the first copy that the Smithmeister was going to be editing in the new style glossy magazine format before he was unceremoniously excommunicated for being a foul-mouthed oaf! Whilst it's nowhere near the brilliantly witty oracle that it would undoubtedly have been under my stewardship it is however a cracking read and the new editor Dave Allison has done a great job. This year is to be the 50th anniversary of the NVS, and this new style bulletin is definitely a step in the right direction. There is some discussion within it about the dwindling membership of the NVS at a time when there is a nationwide boom in veg seed sales and waiting lists on most allotment sites but the fact of the matter is that in the main it is largely a specialist society for the show grower. Having said that, many members and people on the National Exec. only grow veg to eat so there is an awful lot of information for the table grower to tap into.

I'd thoroughly recommend anyone who is remotely interested in growing to show joins the NVS and it can now be done via their website. There is also a very good forum section for members only and the regular boys of the forum (the forum mafia as I like to call them) are very good at giving information and tips.

A bloke from Loughborough......

........walked into a Leicester antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It's £ 12 for the rat, and £ 100 for the story." The fellow gave the owner his £ 12 and said, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Grand Union Canal and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran down to the marina and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?

"F*** no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim terrorist , a couple of Labour politicians , a poof, anything Scouse and a Ronan Keating? "

Snow joke for bugs

As has already been pointed out in one of the comments all this snow and freezing weather is perfect for killing lots of the gardener's foes, but sadly they won't ever be eradicated totally. I think it will probably mean that the more severe infestations will be a bit later in the season once they've managed to replenish their numbers.

Don't forget to put food out for the birds too......those fat balls from pet shops are ideal. Pornithologists are worried this cold snap will kill millions of our feathered friends although quite frankly if it killed every single pigeon then I for one would be quite prepared to do a naked snowdance of joy! I have a yearly battle making sure the little twats don't gorge themselves on my brassicas.

Last night was my local hort soc's Christmas Party (held for the first time AFTER Christmas) and there was a bit of a quiz that I failed miserably with. First person to supply all correct answers is entitled to a free pint at my expense.......as long as you drive to my house, pick me up, take me to the pub and agree to buy the second pint!

1) What country do amaryllis originate from?
2) What are the flowers of poinsettia said to look like?
3) What palm provides a dried fruit popular at Christmas time?
4) Which bedding plant has a variety that can survive winter?
5) What C are added to oranges to make a fragrant Christmas decoration?
6) The wood from which tree was traditonally used to make white chess pieces?
7) In England oak is used for the traditional yule log. Which tree is used in Scotland?
8) What Christmas decoration might you find in an apple tree?
9) Bedford Fillbasket, Wellington and Bosworth are types of what?

There was one more but I can't remember it!

Global warming my lily white ball bag!

Aaaaaargh! We're doomed. It's snow!

You have to laugh. Our local news channel was interviewing people who had slid down some black ice on some residential backstreet in their cars.

"I fink it's reely disgusting that the caaahncil don't gritter down ah avvynew. Ah've not been able to get to work, dahn the shops nor nuffink".

How about getting off your lardy arses a bit earlier and walking instead?

I sowed the first of my onions today.......

...........a single seed in each compartment of a 20-cell tray to see if there's any advantage by way of not having to prick out and pot on as you would normally do. I did some Vento for the 8oz class and some large onion seed given to me by a top Scottish grower.

I don't have artificial lighting or the like and for now they'll have to survive on my kitchen windowsill until they are growing away strongly. These first batches are always a bit hit and miss I find without bottom heat but I was impatient and wanted to get something sown to take my mind off Man U getting knocked out of the FA Cup by the Yorkshire scumbags. Wes Brown and Danny Welbeck you are an utter disgrace!














Only other things on the go are my shallots potted up in the cold greenhouse. Not much happening here as it has been -3C the last few nights since I did them. As soon as the weather improves these will motor away however.

And if any of you are thinking you're way behind schedule then as you can see from the utter bomb-blast that is my garden......I have an awful lot of work to do too!