A challenge for 2008

I've had the following email from the editor of the Garden News

Dear Simon,

I hope you don't mind me contacting you out of the blue, but I still have your email address from last year when you got in touch and introduced me to your blog.

I'm planning a sequence of articles for GN this year on growing for showing that I thought you might be interested in. What I really want to do (hopefully!) is encourage people to have a go. I don't know if you're aware that it's GN's 50th anniversary this year, so we thought this would be a good year to challenge our readers to grow at least one thing for their local show and keep the tradition alive!

What I'd really like to do, to show people that you don't need huge greenhouses and masses of specialist equipment (like Medwyn!), is follow some ordinary gardeners who are relatively new to veg showing over the course of the summer. The difficulty is how I find these newcomers, which is when I thought of you! I wondered if there's any chance you could post something on your blog to help me find some willing volunteers, or indeed whether you'd like to be involved? All you & any other volunteers would need to do is chat to me for 5 minutes once a month to tell us how things are going, what you're doing etc. and if possible, supply a couple of pictures of the produce as it grows.

What do you think? If you're happy to get involved, it would be a great opportunity to mention your blog lots as well! By the way, Vanessa Robins, who you originally got in touch with me about - she was the new shower who wanted advice - has just agreed to be one of my volunteers!

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes,

Clare


So.....are any of you out there interested? What about you Kevin?

What a ****ing gooooooal!

Is it possible (or indeed right?) to become sexually aroused by a goal or should I really be keeping such thoughts to myself?

Joke of the day.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a car full of traffic wardens?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Time to dream......

Most top growers will already have their 'large' onions growing away well in the cossetted atmosphere of growing chambers with thermostatically controlled heating and 24 hour lighting. The aim is to grow them as big as possible, some even aiming to go for the 'heaviest onion' class at their local show. I prefer to relax at this time of year and get my plants from local growers in March at a size I could never hope to achieve with my current equipment (a cold greenhouse!).

However, it doesn't stop you admiring the dedication of the people who manage to enter at places like Harrogate. The picture shows the Harrogate judges 'topping' the entries before putting them on the scales. I think the current world record stands at about 16lbs.

David Thornton's long carrot mix

On Thursday night I had David Thornton (top bloke!) give a talk at our horticultural society on growing long and stump carrots for show. Here is his 'mix' for growing long carrots which I thought looked rather sparse on nutrients compared to the mixes I've used in the past. Perhaps that's where I've been going wrong? As Dave is a top National grower I shall be giving his mix a go this season.

45L sieved compost

15L vermiculite

10L sieved coarse sand

6oz Vitax Q4

3oz Ground Lime(stone)

3oz Seaweed meal (not calcified)

+ insecticide

This mix needs to be ready for use by the 1st week in April when the long carrots traditionally need sowing. One thing Dave was adamant about is that he only waters during the germination stage to make sure the top surface of the sand in the drums doesn't dry out. Once the seedlings are growing away he doesn't give them any more water apart from that which drops out of the sky. You really do want your long carrots to go down in search of moisture and the should be plenty of thaT

Huh?

LIVERPOOL? European city of CULTURE 2008? Is someone taking the piss? Or did everyone else forget to enter?

European city of c*nture more like! Can you imagine all those poor sods from abroad going to visit the place for the first time? It's going to become the 'Pinched wallet' capital of the world!

A? A? A? A? A? A? A?

Buggered!

The ‘holier-than-thou’, organic, eco-mentalist, ‘save the fruitbat’ and ‘hang Jeremy Clarkson’ tree-huggers have won again with the devastating news that Liquid Derris is to be withdrawn from the market in the future. Apparently, it also used to kill the odd ladybird (oooo tragic!). I suggest you get a stockpile in now whilst you can still buy it. I’ve just about used up all of my DDT that I bought in bulk back in ’72 !

No doubt we'll be fobbed off with some organic snot that they'll tell us will do the same thing

Rules of engagement

I've reluctantly given in to my wife and agreed to the purchase of this pathetic little pooch (the coat will look better once I've had a Manchester United crest woven into it). However, there were certain rules I stipulated prior to the transaction and these need re-instating now so that there are no 'blurring' of the rule edges in the coming months and years......if needs be I can refer back to this blog and go....'there you are'.

1) I will not clear up its poo or wee.

2) I will not clean it's bum.

3) I will not take it for a walk anywhere people may know me.

4) The minute it starts digging in my prized veg beds is the minute it becomes a dog pie.

5) I will train it to run after and bite traffic wardens (the bastards!)

A missed trick

This is my greenhouse at the end of November showing a lot of tomatoes still in reasonable condition despite the ravages of blight and not being watered for several weeks. What with global warming (according to Lord Jeremy of Clarkson our climate will be akin to the south of France in 25 years....bring it on!) I need to think about future opportunities to keep harvesting salad veg well in to the autumn. As my last show is in early October I have been guilty of believing that to be the end of my gardening activites and shutting up shop so to speak. This year didn't help as our extension work started in September and we've been busy with that ever since but I want to try and make a New Year resolution to try and get as much veg out of my garden next season as possible. This means making as many sowings as possible of things like lettuce throughout the season and to keep on top of the harvesting of tomatoes

A festering message

A (reluctant) Happy Christmas and New Year to you all and the following personal messages……..


To my fellow veg and dahlia growers…….many thanks for your support throughout the year and the camaraderie at the shows.

To all the show organisers and officials……..you’re the tops!

To the Lake District……….I love you!

To the Peak District………I love you!

To Crib Goch…………..I love you and can’t wait to see you again over Christmas!

To Bruce Willis………….I love you!

To Pierce Brosnan………..I love you!

To Daniel Craig………for God’s sake stop pissing about…..you’ll never be James Bond you sweaty, crag-faced toad. Tell them to bring Pierce back!

To my wife……………isn’t living with me just great?

To Manchester United players…….if you say you didn’t do it I believe you. Just bloody make sure you beat Everton on Sunday!

To Liverpool players……..how many years is it since you won the title?

To Arsene Wenger………….thanks for screwing up the England football team you cock-faced frog.

To the Australian referee at the Rugby World Cup Final……..you c*nt!

To all my colleagues who couldn’t believe it when I was made a director……..ner ner ni ner ner!

To the boys at CBC………..do some f*cking work instead of reading this pathetic blog for a change!

To all traffic wardens………..be afraid, be very afraid.

Purple carrots

This season I grew the carrot variety 'Purple Haze' which I used in my basket and trug displays as a novelty. They grew well although I sowed them quite late so they didn't grow to any great size (the ones in the pic above are only about 6" long). However, there was no sign of any disease or pest damage and they were very tasty. Although purple on the outside they were the usual orange colour on the inside.

I know they can be grown to reasonable lengths so it would be interesting to see them up against orange carrots on the showbench. If all other attributes (condition and size) were similar could the judge view them objectively against a set of orange carrots? I may have a go next year at growing them in drums and see what happens.

p.s.

F.A.O. Charnw**d B*ro*gh Council traffic wardens.....I get my Xmas bonus this week......shall it give you all my F*cking money now or do you

Even more evidence the country's gone mad........

Huh? Is it me?

Just remember this amazing fact....each of the brain donors who voted for this talentless little tosspot beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg!

Liverscum 0 Manchester United 1

Aaaaaaaaaaa've it you scouse shite!

Rafa Benitez has defended his squad rotation policy saying it keeps the burglars guessing who'll be at home on match days!

Storing dahlia tubers

After the first full frost in mid November I finally got my dahlia tubers up. I'd marked the ones I wanted to keep with a label before the frost blackened them (see first pic). The tops are cut back to 6" or so and then the whole tuber is dug up carefully (2nd pic). A label is attached to each tuber with the variety (3rd pic) and then I lay each tuber upside down in the garage so that any excess water runs out.

I will carefully inspect each tuber this weekend and cut away any sections that may be rotting. All the cut ends will be dusted with sulphur powder and the tubers stored until Spring in buckets of dry peat.

I will be keeping the varieties Kenora Sunset, Jomanda and Emma's Coronet but will not be bothering again with the pompom variety Lismore Moonlight as I've found it a little shy in producing a reasonable quantity of 'showable' blooms. Just in case Kevin Broxholme is reading this I've set you aside a tuber each of Kenora Sunset and Emma's Coronet. Merry Christmas mate!

I doooooooon't belieeeeeeeeeeve it !!!!!!

What the bloody hell is happening in this country? How the hell can we as a nation vote for £50million to go towards making more sodding cycle paths ? This pathetic, eco-mentalist beardy-weirdy scheme won against other far more worthy projects which were Sherwood Forest, the Eden Centre and the Black Country. I bet those jumped up nano-gits (aka traffic wardens) are rubbing their hands at how much extra money they can steal from hard-working blokes like me!

We're going to the dogs. We're not allowed to have nativity plays in our schools in case it upsets Osama Bin Bastard, we've been forced to employ a bloody Italian who can't even speak english to manage our National football side, I can't spread slug pellets on my soil in case it Mr. Sparrow and Mrs. Titwarbler are stupid enough to eat them and Alesha nearly got voted off Strictly Come Dancing last week in favour of a Welshman (bad enough!) who I suspect is ever so slightly gay!