D'ya wanna be in my gang?

Well now, I've really been enjoying the European Football Championships, although I'm glad Poland have been knocked out as my car is fucking filthy! England are playing that shite and having that much luck they might even bloody win it! I'm glad there's a couple of days grace from it all now as there is much stuff to be done on the plot!



When I started showing locally I was viewed with an awful lot of suspicion by the established order of 3 or 4 (at most) geriatric bastards who had been contesting the local shows for many years, sometimes decades. These dinosaurs really didn't want any upstart coming into their cosy little 'club' and so I struggled to glean even the smallest snippet of information out of them to the point where I was very much on my own and struggled to make an impression for a few seasons. I vowed there and then that if ever I was in their position I wouldn't be a complete and utter cunt like them and would open myself up to anyone else and hand over as much knowledge as I could give them if I was asked. Sadly these arseholes still walk among us.


One of the benefits of the internet and various gardening forums such as that of the National Vegetable Society, is that we can all fast-track our learning curve and indeed if I go back 3 years the quality of my produce bears no resemblance to what I've been producing more recently. There is now quite a large gang of new-ish 'showers', many of them still quite young, who are improving at a good rate of knots and who will start to get into the tickets at Branch and National level before too long I feel. They've been networking knowledge and experiences for a couple of years now, guided by several top notch NVS growers who have been happy to give their time, expertise, seeds and sometimes even plants, and i'm proud to have played my own little part in that. However, I sincerely hope the established pecking order will embrace this influx of enthusiasm and realise that the future of the Society is in their hands. We may not do things their way but we're keen as mustard and want to have a laugh and a giggle along the way. Life isn't all about rules, regulations and constitutions. Sometimes it's about sharing drunken evenings and fucking fruit cakes!



One of the good things about keeping an online diary (blog) is the ease with which you can look back at previous years to see how things compared, whether you're ahead of the game or trailing behind, and what you were doing differently then (and often wrongly!). I was surprised to realise i'm now approaching 6 years of writing this garbage, and my thanks to those of you who regularly dip in, even those of you who think I'm a wanker and who I now know are avid readers!!! I can also look back at photos of my exhibits in years gone by to see how much I have (hopefully) improved, and also by taking photos of my competitors' entries to reassure me come showtime that I can compete, especially when you start stepping up a level.


One of the things that doesn't seem to change every year is the great British weather. It's regularly shite despite our rose-tinted glasses that summers in years gone by were gloriously temperate during the day and it only rained at night when we were in bed. The truth is we have to be prepared for the worst, and take precautions accordingly, as no-one will have any sympathy for you come showtime i'm afraid. I'm hearing many stories of slow-growth, produce cooking, produce rotting, polytunnels being blown away, lack of rain, too much rain, bolting, botrytis, fluffy mould, anal rape, pillage and chipped finger nails. As I write it is raining steadily and more is forecast over the next few days, and some parts of the country, mainly in the south and west, have been subjected to severe flooding. Luck of the draw plays a large part in your results especially if you happen to live in a part of the country that has escaped the worse excesses of Mother Nature. I also think I may have played a blinder this year by sowing late to time things for the end of September as I haven't suffered any growth checks, although as there is still a long way to go pestilence may yet descend upon me and make my face as miserable as Dave Thornton's currently is.


At the weekend I put my large onions in pots outside as the tomatoes growing behind them needed tending and I needed to plant some potbound aubergines where the onions were resting. This is not an ideal situation as I am putting them at greater risk of botrytis by growing outside, but my greenhouses are bursting at the seams. Luckily, my financial controller and under-gardener has already suggested that we acquire a top of the range polytunnel in time for next season, meaning that I shall be able to grow my onions to completion indoors. For now though they will have to take their chances outside which will be fine if we get a sustained period of dryish weather until late July. All in all though I'm ecstatic about how they're looking and with at least another month for them to grow i'm set to have my best ever onions.

The first tomatoes have now formed on the bottom trusses meaning I shall start feeding with tomorite, nettle soup and comfrey soup in rotation, adding sootwater from July to bring out the colour. The roots are well down by now as I can see them at the bottom of the bottomless watering pots so I will do most of my watering and feeding through these in order to keep the soil surface as dry as I can.

My Kestrel spuds are only about 10" high, and my Amour only just breaking the surface as I have delayed setting them so I don't have to have them in store too long before my shows in late September. Once they reach about a foot high it's very important to keep the bags moist at all times as this is the critical stage in the possible development of scab, which thrives in dry soil. I'm also giving the foliage a spray with Maxicrop and they really seem to gleam afterwards.

And finally, I've decided that I shall probably have engraved on my headstone 'Who the fuck has he upset now?' As many of you know I'm a bit of a diplomat. We have lovely neighbours, a young indian couple who regularly swap curries with us for veg over the garden fence. Sadly they are attached to a pair of monumental tossers, another young couple, childless, who are constantly moaning at them (via TEXT!) to keep their kids quiet, inspite of the fact that they're quite happy to let their boxer dog bark loudly without shutting the fucking thing up. He is a big bully who has been seen beating his wife up but she seems to take it like an idiot. After our neighbours had told us about yet another upsetting text on Saturday evening (not late) to keep their lovely children quiet (only a bit of bedtime boisterousness), I decided to erect this spiffin sign in my garden so that the wife-beating wanker two doors up can quite clearly see it. I have now witnessed him walking up and down his garden several times, smouldering with anger but like all cowards he's too scared to say anything to me, but I live in hope of a street brawl before too long. I'll keep you posted on how I get along as I think he'll start as a clear favourite but i'm a dirty little fucker with a few nasty tricks up my sleeve.