More essential Smithyveg travel advice

No foreign holiday this year so i'm doing my annual report this time around on our short trip to London!

1) 25 years ago I visited Paris and London in quick succession and Paris absolutely put London to shame. I'm happy to report we now have a Capital to be proud of. Magnificent buildings and streets all spruced up in time for the Olympics. A little known gem i'd thoroughly recommend is The Monument on the north end of London Bridge. In honour of the Great Fire it has 311 steps and magnificent views across the city.
2) You will feel like a foreigner in your own country. All service staff, hotel and restaurant workers can barely speak english. I just kept smiling and nodding, my wife and youngest daughter would ask me what they said and I had to reply every time "not a soddin' clue".
3) The tube system is magnificent. It's a testament to the Victorians as most of it was laid down over a century ago and looks as rock solid as ever. And you have to be an absolute cretin not to be able to travel across the city on it as it's so logical and easy to use. I managed it and i'm 50% cretin!
4) It is a fact that the couple sardined into the tube carriage next to you will feel an overwhelming desire to spread saliva over each other's faces, stopping just short of actual fornication. I seemed to be the only person on the tube who found this disconcerting.
5) There are many, many gay men in London. I could tell this as they all had overshoulder satchels which is a 100% indicator in my book. When Jeremy Clarkson comes to power and installs me as Home Secretary I am going to have them all roughed up and forced to eat fanny.
6) The majority of women in London are butt ugly. It's probably why there are so many gay men.
7) Why does The Theatre Royal advertise itself as being on Drury Lane when in fact it is on f***ing Catherine Street? A little tip.....put Theatre Royal, Catherine Street on the ticket and spare twats like me some unnecessary leg work as then we'll actually be able to find it! We nearly had to ask a gay man for directions!
8) People who work in the city are very rude and very fast. Those that kept barging into me and knocking my map out of my hand to the floor would have got a slap if they hadn't already been a dot in the distance by the time i'd picked it up!
9) For a gardening extravaganza head to Regent's Park or St. James's Park. The bedding displays are an assault on the senses but be prepared for men holding hands a la George Michael, the dirty buggers. My wife had to keep telling me to stop growling and gnashing my teeth.
10) The Olympics will be magnificent. But something at the back of my head keeps telling me another Anders Breivik lunatic or 7/7 nutcase will grab all the headlines. Total security is a fallacy.

Overall I wasn't particularly looking forward to it, but I'd certainly go back soon. We shunned Madame Tussauds as there was a ridiculous 3 hour wait and I quite enjoyed the second half of Shrek. I fell asleep during the first bit!

Viva London. I'll be back in October for the Westminster Show