More essential Smithyveg travel advice part five (In and out of Africa!)

1) Apart from the stunning Atlas Mountains and the 5 -star complex where we were....Morocco is a right sweaty shit'ole!
2) When will the Mediterranean countries get over their olive fixation? Putting them on your food to entice you into thinking they are grapes is a nasty move! They look and taste like sheep shits.
3) During the course of our sojourn we encountered about a dozen yanks. None of them did anything to dispel my belief that most americans are arseholes! Especially the one who swam two lengths of the pool and then trod water for 5 minutes before he realised his mobile phone was in his swimming shorts pocket! To console himself he said to his wife "honey i'm gonna go to the gym for an hour to work on my aaaaabs!" I haven't a clue what an 'ab' is but I'm fairly sure I can't be arsed to work on mine and I thought of him as I ordered another beer and lathered chip fat over my one-pack.
4) Muslim countries really ought to get over their ridiculous aversion to pigs. Going a whole week without bacon nearly fucking killed me!
5) As far as I could tell there are no discernible road traffic laws in Morrocco. However, I did manage to deduce that it was mandatory to drive so close to the person in front that your bollocks are draped over their rear windscreen, whilst flashing your headlights and sounding your horn before violently swerving around them into oncoming traffic, people, dogs and donkeys. Our taxi driver resembled a demonic John Candy in 'Planes, trains and automobiles'! Had the last laugh when we walked off at Marrakech airport without tipping the crazy twat.
6) It takes 5 Moroccan men all day to paint a 3 metre square piece of decking. I'm sure it was because it was hot and they needed to do a thorough job, rather than the fact it was next to the pool where several bikini clad western women were reclining!
7) I could watch Blackburn v. Leicester or Coventry v. Birmingham several times during the week on Al Jazeera tv, but it took me bloody ages to find out the Man U. score.
8) Free wi-fi only works if you can find the one spot in the hotel reception that transmits it, and only then if you resemble a Madame Tussauds dummy so that you don't lose connection.
9) You cannot buy Guinness in Morocco. This is quite criminal. But not as criminal as charging 3 quid for a tiny bottle of Heineken that equates to one swallow for a fat, balding thirsty Brit.
10) Hammam scrubs stop you getting sunburnt. But you do look a bit of a prick sat in a boiling steam room with dogshit smeared all over you.
11) Until you've visited a dusty, barren, north african sweatbox you'll never fully appreciate how beautiful Britain is in the pissing down rain!
12) if you show veg and you go on holiday in July, August or September you will suffer all sorts of pestilence and problems while you are away! (more on this in the next few postings!)
13) The British bloke in this photo had a body like a Greek God!