1) Just how pissed do you have to be before 'Karaoke' becomes a fun thing to watch let alone take part in?
2) Why am I the only British man over the age of 17 without a tattoo? I think it may be because I haven't taken the trouble to get lobotomised for the 20 minutes it takes to decide 'hey, I think I'll get a tattoo. It will look great and I won't look like a complete tw*t' ! (exception being the one in the Man Utd shirt who obviously must have had his done in a moment of inebriation after a famous win over the scouse scum)
3) Which of the words 'No' and 'Diving' when put together on a sign and posted several times around the edge of a pool do you fat, tattooed tossers not understand?
4) When semi-naked on sunbeds around the edge of a pool you cannot tell what people do for a living ....apart from the tattooed ones who are obviously either van drivers, builder's labourers or work in Halfords. So why do some pillocks feel the need to make a call on their mobiles to make themselves look important? By all means make the call but bugger off back to your room and do it in private. The tit lying next to me made a call to his work that went a long the lines of.....
'Hi, Gav it's Brian here...........BRIAN! (you know....your flaming boss you little dipshit)
Yeah mate great ta......just touching base on the Williams contract......sorry? (yeah I know you can cope perfectly well but I really need this conceited prat lying next to me, the one reading Kitchen Garden and who won the hotel quiz last night, that I'm a really important bloke ok?)
Oh right that's good news then. Why ring now? Oh no real reason....just wanted to get it out of my mind for the rest of the week. (and I know that at this very moment the MD is in the office on his weekly round and will overhear this conversation and think I'm the best sales manager ever, whilst the rest of you quite rightly know that I'm a complete f*ckwit!)'
5) Scousers and Londoners should never be allowed on holiday....ever. Their voices really annoy me.
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