This year's winners are........

Well it's the moment you've all been waiting for.....the 2nd annual Smithyveg awards. Just before anyone gets carried away I must state that these awards carry no trophy, no financial gain, no fancy presentation ceremony and indeed may cause other people never to speak to you again. For that I apologise. That's life.

The opening gong is the 'Winning at the first attempt (you spawny bastard) award' for winning a class by following my advice.

2nd prize goes to Paul Wlodarczak for his parsnips at his first ever show, which also helped him to most points. They'll be after you next year Paul!

1st prize goes to Dan Unsworth for winning with these Sweet Candles.

All the more galling as I had a disastrous year with them. The lucky sod. They were bloody good though.

I bet neither of them can do it again next year!?!

The next award is for the 'Stupidest grin whilst wearing an outrageously gay shirt'. There could only be one winner.....see second prize above!!!

I've introduced a special class this year entitled 'The git from Humberside award' which recognises high achievement in dahlia tuber mislabelling. It goes, of course, to Kev Broxholme of Derby who single-handedly managed to mis-label every tuber he gave me. It's a good job I managed a best in show with one of them. I hope you're not too disappointed with the thrashing the reds are gonna hand out to your boys the day after Boxing Day mate!

The coveted award for being the 'Greatest living veg grower and most fantastically complete human being' goes to Ian Stocks of Scotland. I have high hopes for the champion seed you have so graciously furnished me with!!! (A note for the rest of you to bear in mind for next year's awards......sending me free gifts goes a long way!)

However, on the flip side his good lady Linda ran off with the 'Did you feed those spuds with dust?' cup for somehow contriving to harvest a mere 3 tubers from a polypot, in the Avonbank challenge. http://www.avonbankgardenspotatochallenge.co.uk/ I think you'll all agree ...a brilliant effort.

The best veg I saw at a local show that I entered were Terry Leach's leeks at Leicester Show in August. And the best veg I saw anywhere have got to be Sherie Plumb's spuds at Malvern. Take your pick from any of the 6 winning entries she had that day. Incredible. I'll award myself a 'Highly Commended' for my winning spuds at Littleover which got a best in show.

I think you'll agree this was a close 2nd in the silliest smirk class!

Last year my wife won the award for the most gorgeous creature on Earth but, perhaps controversially, has had to settle for 2nd place this year behind Heidi. I know it's probably wrong but I still get the raging horn when I see this picture.

And finally, the award for 'Most monumental cock-up of 2009' goes to the National Vegetable Society....I would have been a bloody brilliant editor!

Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year. I'll be back in 2010 with some serious stuff.