The results are in!

It's that time you've all been waiting for and maybe some have been dreading. The 2010 Smithyveg awards when I take on board all the insults and ridicule that some of you have thrown at me during the year and spit them back out with interest. There are also some serious awards reflecting what has been an excellent year for top class veg when the National Vegetable Society celebrated its 50th anniversary. I've said it before and i'll say it again....if you have any interest in growing veg to show standard or simply just improving your yield then the NVS is a must join society. Forget the National Allotment Society....that's for lefties, hippies and new age lesbian mothers wanting to know how to grow bean shoots, okra and gourds for sticking their josticks into.

Anyway...to business.

The shows at Malvern, Westminster and Derby pitched me against some of the country's best growers and there were some superb dishes to be seen. As usual Sherie Plumb was nearly unbeatable with potatoes but when she is it's very often as a result of poor judging. For that reason she comes third in the 'What the hell were you smoking when you judged that?' award. At Westminster she came second in the white potato class because her spuds were around 12oz each and not the 6-7oz optimum size as suggested by the NVS judges' guide. They were so far better than the second placed set in terms of quality, shape and uniformity it was totally embarrassing.

In 2nd place were Dave Thornton's 8oz onions that won at Westminster. Even he was amazed at the result and it denied a keen husband and wife grower a first red card at such a high level.

The winner this year, but of course, is the blind Uruguayan referee that denied England an equalising goal in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. The ball was so far over the line it was actually in Zimbabwe and had to get it's passport stamped on its way back into the stadium. If he had allowed it England would only have lost 4-2 and we wouldn't have felt nearly so humiliated! Still, it meant we could devote the rest of the year laughing at Andy Murray.

Best newcomer in 2010 has to be Ian Taylor of Nuneaton who had the audacity to beat me for most points at my local show in Seagrave. I say newcomer......he's that old he actually remembers cheering the troops off during the war. The Boer War!

For the next gong i'm going 'Back to The Future' for the Battle of Falkirk award for most scottish bodies lying around in a broken and defeated state! And the winner is 'Llangollen 2011', which will see the emergence of a brilliant and incredibly good-looking English pea grower who will leave the previously dominant scottish contingent crying into their Glenfiddichs!

The next award is the Garry Glitter "I love you love, you love me true love, I love you love me love" award for services to vegetable manlove. In second place this year are Dave Thornton and Medwyn Williams. Dave has appeared in Medwyn's Garden News column more times than every other grower combined, to the extent that I am now convinced that Dave must be Medwyn's secret love child.

But the winners this year by a country mile are Paul Bastow and Dan Unsworth for this unashamedly homo-erotic pose at Ingleton Show. When they die I may have them mounted....or perhaps just holding hands!

The next award is for the biggest 'looooooooser' in 2010. Sadly, perennial winners of this award Liverpool FC can no longer be considered as to become a loser you have to actually compete in the first place. So in 3rd position in 2010 is Gordon Brown who thankfully lost the general election in May but still managed to leave the country in such a financial fanny pickle it will take a generation to rectify. Thanks Gordon!

2nd biggest 'loser' in 2010 is the people of the United States of America, who in 2009 thought they were electing the most radical and forward thinking President ever in Barack Obama. Since his inauguaration he has done, as far as I can tell, absolutely nothing!

But the winner is the great Medwyn Williams, current Chairman of the NVS who came 2nd to me at Malvern in the tomato class. As he presented me with my trophy on that Saturday night in September he whispered "I'd better not bloody read about this on your website!" It was already on!

Never mind Medwyn, you also provided me with the best day out in 2010 when I joined the NVS North East Derby DA (NEDDA) along with Dave Thornton (NODDY) on their trip to see Medwyn's operation in May. It was amazing to see the scale of his greenhouses at Bangor University and his new polytunnel on Anglesey just a few days before he started harvesting everything for his Chelsea Flower Show display, where he won an 11th gold medal as well as best exhibit in the floral marquee. This trip narrowly pipped the Scottish Branch's seminar in November which I hope to be attending regularly from now on. Three excellent lectures plus the chance to buy stuff you can't buy in the garden centres near me made this well worth the 600 mile round trip. I don't get out much!

I always end this awards ceremony by announcing the premier award of the night, that of the most gorgeous creature on Earth. In the past it has been won by my wife in 2008 and last year by a 19 stone pumpkin. This year I have a dilemma as I cannot split two worthy contenders so I have decided to make them both joint winners!!

First up is my first grandchild Oscar born on November 24th. Like his grandad he is just about perfect in every way although we recently found out that he is probably deaf bless him, so he will have a few life obstacles in his way but nothing that cannot be overcome. On the plus side however, he will never know what it's like to have to listen to a woman's nagging!

Then of course there were my 6 winning tomatoes from Malvern in September, six perfect, ruby red orbs that made me into the most unbearably smug man in the Midlands. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses to Oscar and.....errr, my tomatoes that I may or may not have mentioned before, ad infinitum.

There isn't time to go into detail but there were several other minor awards presented tonight, among them the 'Not Bad at Growing Shallots I suppose' award (David Thornton), the Mussolini "I'll support whoever is the biggest" award' (Gareth Cameron) and the 'Most Handsome National Pea judge and the cheque is in the post' award (John Trim). Pot leek grower Bob Plant won the 'Person who sends me the most debauched, sickening and quite frankly outrageous joke texts of a sexual nature' award....please keep them coming Bob. And finally Mark Perry won the title of 'Most haunted look of abject horror' when he realised I had won tomatoes at Malvern and he would have a year of unending smugness to contend with. Your turn next year Mark?

It just remains for me to wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'll be back soon enough talking more bollocks and passing on as many tips as I can to help you all gain those elusive red cards at whatever level you choose to show at.

Merry f***ing Christmas everyone!