A bug's life. And death.

It was major news recently that bugs in general must be in serious decline because it had been noticed that our car windscreens have not suffered the annual Summer splatfest, and the usual suspects such as Chris Packham and Bill Oddie were stating that this was a terrible thing for the future of mankind. Pair of cunts. The less bugs and nasties as far as I’m concerned the better, it means less unappetising damage on our veggies, and who knows we may not have to spray insecticides so much in future? I have noticed a pair of adolescent blackbirds seem to be constantly on the ground in my garden, only fluttering away at the last moment when I’ve approached so perhaps they are having to work harder looking for food if it is indeed less abundant. Whatever, I’m sure the bugs and beastie fuckers will return at some point, perhaps they’re just having a fallow year?

Tomorrow is my local show and much of my veg is up and prepped, including a pair of long carrots which I’m particularly pleased about. They were a couple of the smallest I could find, but still 8” around the shoulder, and carried their weight really well down the root, and were a reasonable matching pair and I’d be very surprised if anyone has better. If what I hope are my best specimens that I’m saving for later shows are the same then they could be quite special. However, the set of stumps that I pulled can only be described as utter wank. They are badly ribbed, too long and thin, and pointier than Japanese tourist. I was all set to abandon any attempt at the National Tap Root Championships of Great Britain next weekend, until I had a furtle on the bottoms of half a dozen bigger looking roots by excavating an inspection hole next to them, and delving my hand down for a fondle in the depths. They all seemed to have better defined stump ends and were all the same length so hopefully I can entice a matching pair from them. I replaced the sand so they can stay fresh until I need to pull next Wednesday night. Tonight I shall pull a pair of small parsnips, again leaving my best roots for bigger battles to come, and at the last minute wash a couple of sets of scabby spuds that I wouldn’t dare set on the benches at a National show, but which should still be in the tickets at the weekend if I can rub of the few small patches of scab.

A few admissions now. Back in late July/early August I harvested 9 nice onions for the 1 ½ kg class at Malvern but I’ll be buggered if I can get the fucking things to ripen. The key with getting large onions to ripen appears to be getting them harvested early, as the later you get them up the less likely they appear to want to ripen evenly. I’ve also had a couple go rotten at the base although there was absolutely no sign of any rot when I got them up. Fucking things. And you may remember the brilliant idea I had of getting the globe beet up when they reached size, cutting off some of the foliage and reburying them so that they didn’t grow any more. Well in that sense it was a success as they didn’t, but they did go a bit soft and of course the foliage went all floppy and thus no longer any good for showing, so all in all it was a fucking stupid idea that Mark Perry suggested I try.

I also started off back in the Spring by championing the powers of Perlka to keep your brassica beds free of club root, but despite using it I’ve lost so many caulis to this disease this season that I’m now struggling to get a decent cauli head to show anywhere. Next season I shall try watering dilute Jeyes Fluid into the planting holes, another remedy suggested to me in the past to see if has any better success. If that doesn’t work it was also Mark Perry’s idea. All in all I’m just wondering if my plot just needs a damned good ‘rest’ which is exactly what it’s going to get from next year, so that I can add lots more organic matter and perhaps experiment with compost teas and the like. Thinking about it, for over 20 years all my growing has been geared up to the show season, meaning that everything comes at once during September when we have so much produce we end up giving a lot away that isn’t show worthy or even composting it. It’s a bit of a criminal waste as well as a drain on the soil, so time will tell if a more relaxed regime, with successional sowing, little and often,  and a more all year round production cycle will give me healthier crops. Chris Packham would be proud of me. Cockney tongue tied cunt.

Have a good weekend, i'll be back on Monday with news of my first show exploits.

Shit happens

Pigeons. What is the point of them? No, really, what is the actual fucking point of fucking bastard fucking pigeons? I’ve always been troubled by the feathered fucktards whenever I’ve had young brassicas planted and had to resort to all manner of defence systems, but a couple of years ago settled on sticks placed around the plants at random angles, after reading that pigeons don’t like things above their heads as they think it might be a predator. I was highly sceptical at first but fuck me backwards it actually seemed to work. Or at least it did, because this year the little shitbags have obviously got over their fear and are eating my caulis with a vengeance. Next year when I have more time I am purchasing an air rifle with a view to killing as many of the fuckers as I possibly can, purely for fun, and fuck the animal lovers a few doors up, they can kiss my pimply hairy arse. Whether my caulis can recover in time from this is debatable. The pigeon attack, not my hairy arse.

Potato scab. What is the actual fucking point of potato scab? I’ve sucked fucking reservoirs dry this summer in an attempt to keep scab off my spuds but during a furtle deep into one of my potato bags last night the first fucking potato that I fucking came across had more fucking scabs on it than Jim Carrey’s poxy cock. It just goes to prove that the cockwomble from Derby who told me about giving spuds plenty of water at tuber initiation (is that even a genuine fucking term?) doesn’t know what the fuck he’s on about.

I’m going to have to get my blood pressure tested before the footy season starts! My first batch of runner beans was planted out 3 weeks ago to cover my local show and hopefully Welsh Branch a week after but all my sowings since then have struggled to germinate for some weird reason, despite being the same seed and being treated the same way, sown quite deep in 3” square pots. I can only assume the tender new shoots got ‘cooked’ in the recent heatwave before they were able to emerge. Having used up all my stock I was forced to appeal to that Liverscum supporting, filthy photo texting fellow grower Mark Perry to see if he had any spare seed. He has very kindly sent me some seed which I hope will cover my later shows if I get them in quickly. He employs a bean lettering system similar to the Plumbs but I don’t know why as they all look the fucking same to me.

Meanwhile, scientists and keyboard warriors the World over are shitting themselves about a little bit of ice that’s come away from Antarctica (it’s roughly the size of Cyprus apparently), prophesying the end of the World and blaming Donald Trump for it. Now don’t get me wrong, Trump’s a total cunt, but when you’re hurtling through space at 67,000 miles an hour on a huge oscillating rock on a trajectory that is not fixed from one year to the next shit like this is gonna happen and there aint fuck all mankind can do about it. So quit whining and help me kill some pigeons you underarm dreadlocked, new-age hippy tosspots.

'Canker' result!

I pulled my parsnips last night for Harrogate and whilst they weren't the biggest i've ever grown, they carried their weight well down and more importantly they were also nice and clean with no sign of the brown marks I've had for the past few seasons and which I attributed to the disease parsnip canker. They were similar to those shown on this specimen that Paul Bastow emailed me a few weeks ago (hahahahahahahaaaaaaa!).

I am now confident in saying that this is definitely carrot fly damage, because for the first time this season I treated my parsnips with the same photate granules that I sprinkle around my carrot tops. They don't resemble the fly grub damage you get on carrots very much which are black and seem to go much deeper (hence why I'd always assumed it was canker), and therefore I can only deduce that the carrot fly grub perhaps don't find parsnip skins as tasty as they do carrots, and just graze around the surface a bit? It's a lesson hard earned and from now on I'll be treating my parsnips and carrots with phorate at the same time. I do this about 3 times during the season to try and combat the various hatchings of carrot fly which are supposed to be around May and July although there are suggestions that a third generation hatches in the autumn in long summers so you need to make sure you keep the crowns well protected. Phorate really does stink and I use disposable gloves to apply it.

As well as the hugely important BBC I'm also putting an entry in the UK Carrot Championships at Harrogate. This fiercely competitive class calls for a set of three stump carrots and a set of 3 long carrots. I pulled my stumps on Tuesday evening as I knew I would be pushed for time in the following evenings, grading my sets for the two shows I have this weekend with the various classes I'll be entering (not forgetting Top Trays) and then covering them in containers with damp peat from the potato bags. They will keep in good condition that way until I wash them this evening. I actually decimated a bed of 48 Sweet Candle to get my sets and the first few 'pulls' were far from promising, but in the end I managed to get a set of 3 that are probably better than any I have ever produced, so it was with some delight that I also managed to get a nice set of 3 long carrots to go with them last night. I came 8th last year and I'm confident I have a much better entry this time around that won't look out of place, and if I can sneak into the tickets I'd be one happy bunny. This was one of my rejected Sweet Candles...had a few wrinkles at the bottom end.

I also have entries in the tap root class, the 6x1 collection class, the 3x2 collection class (The BBC!), pickling shallots, tomatoes, runner beans and cucumbers, as well as several classes on the Northern Horticultural side including the trug, which after many years of constant pressure from my wife and support for her from several of you bastards I have entered in joint names!

Yesterday I posted off my entry form for the National Championships at Malvern, a total of 15 classes. The deadline is tomorrow so if you haven't already done so then do it now, but you'd have to scan it and email it to Pat Brown patbrown59@talktalk.net. It's a lot earlier deadline this season than usual so I reckon there will be a lot less exhibits actually benched than are entered. I had to make a judgement on what I think will be ready in a couple of weeks time but there's a long while for things to go wrong with crops like celery, tomatoes, french beans, runner beans and cucumbers for instance, so I very much doubt if all 15 of my entries will make it and I'll be delighted if 7 or 8 make it. As has been pointed out to me on several occasions I won fuck all in last season's National. More than likely I'll win fuck all again this season but it took my most favourite sportsman of all time, England's Andy Murray several attempts to get his first Grand Slam and perseverance is one of my strong points. Perverting the course of history, two-faced contradiction and talking bollocks are some of my other strong points.

I know several of you are planning to visit Harrogate and I'll be there tomorrow and Sunday so if you spot me then please make yourself known so I can walk you round to the BBC class and show you how brilliant I am and how useless the Geoffrey Boycott Brigade are. If by any chance the judge is completely blind and probably been bribed......I'll be in Loughborough!

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

One of the downsides of being one of the best looking men in the World is that God sees fit to counteract your facial good fortune by bestowing all manner of pestilence and disease upon thee!

He has populated the Earth with many creatures that appear to serve no useful purpose and chief among these in my opinion is the flying rat otherwise known as the wood pigeon. Many years ago I planted my cabbages out and nipped back inside for a quick cup of tea before netting to keep the buggers at bay. I'd been gone no more than 10 minutes but when I returned my brassicas had been stripped and a couple of pigeons were hurriedly trying to take off so fat were they having consumed all my hard work!

I'd planted out these kohl rabi with a view to trying to get them ready for the show in July when I found this scene of carnage the other night.

I should have known better than to plant them without protection but nethertheless it still pisses you off when you see it. My favoured method of deterrent is some string above the plants with some old CD's dangling down just above the plants. I was told a few years ago that pigeons don't like to see things above them and whenever i've done this I've never had problems with them so it does appear to work despite the plants still being easily accessible if they so wished to take another gobble. Bastards.

The Casablanca potatoes that i'm growing in pots also have these strange brown speckles on the foliage.

I asked Dave Thornton what they might be but he was as much use as a chocolate teapot, sending the picture text as I did whilst he was on a night out with friends. He was so pissed that he text me back saying that he loved me! I never did find out from him what these marks are so I'll just have to hope they're not significant as these spuds will be coming up in a week or two. In the meantime Dave has decided to choose Llangollen to finally come out of the closet!

On Friday it was time to sow my 'Prince' french beans with a view to having them ready for Llangollen which is now only 11 weeks away. There is a right way up to sow beans and I always seem to get 100% germination when I do it this way. If you look at the 'scar' on the bean you should see what look like two small bollocks at the bottom of it. The beans should be sown this way up, with the bollocks towards the bottom. Kinda makes sense when you say it like that really!

My leeks are looking better than any I've had at this time of the year and I've now put them on their first collars, which are 12" tall, and have run a couple of horizontal supports alongside the plants to support the flags. I've also sprayed them with Dynamec to ward off thrips which have rendered my leeks useless for anything other than local showing in recent years. The thrips inhabit the growing point of the leek, hiding right inside the new growth emerging from the 'button'. So therefore you have to use a high pressure spray to really force the insecticide inside the leaf layers. Spraying over the outer foliage will have no effect whatsoever.

I sat next to Mark Roberts at a DA talk the other night and he wore the self-satisfied smile of someone who had some exceptional leeks growing away. I've seen photos of his Nuneaton plot on Facebook and they really were something to behold, and Mark was hoping to win the National again for the collection of 6 as he did in 2007. Later that night he text me in a dejected state as he'd got back to find just about all of his leeks had gone to seed. Back in Winter some jealous twat had got into his garden and switched off his power. Presumably his plants got a check that night which meant they were doomed from that point on. I hope that person is proud of himself and suffers a premature end to life.

Oh, and as I speak it's absolutely wazzing down outside. Severn Trent......any chance you might actually catch some of it?

And remember the golden rule of life.....

All my own work and ideas!

I'm off to North East Derby DA tonight to listen to John Branham talk on growing veg for collections. Really looking forward to that.

In the meantime it is time I should be thinning the last of my long carrots growing in drums. They look really strong this season so i'm hopeful I'll be back on track with long carrots after a couple of poor seasons. I've had 100% germination too.

All my long and short carrots are now covered in mesh and polythene frames, the mesh being on the roof to allow rain water through. I won't win any joinery awards but with these in place I shouldn't suffer any damage from carrot fly or other nasties such as willow aphid.

I have now harvested enough pickling shallots to make a set of 15 for Llangollen plus a few spares assuming I don't suffer any losses during storage. Further to my posting about my 'Heath-Robinson' cardboard gauge which went a bit soggy when I left it out in the rain, I came up with the totally brilliant idea all on my own without any help from anyone north of Leeds to buy one of these spiffing calibrated digital verniers off 'ebay'.

I shall be using it to make sure my picklers have not swelled to more than the 30mm diameter required, but also to determine when to harvest my large shallots the biggest of which is now about 36mm dia. Last year I settled on 45mm and when they reached that size I got them up irrespective of whether they were still growing....which they were. Last year mine ended up about 50-52mm diameter as they carry on swelling after harvesting as the foliage dies back into the bulb. I'm hoping to be able to get mine up by the end of the first week in June. The idea is that if you leave them much beyond the second week in June, even though they appear to be still motoring, once the new green growth stops emerging from the centre they will quickly start on their secondary growth cycle and start to go 'double'. Rather than leaving them in the hope of getting some whoppers I decided to get them up but I still had quite a few that went out of shape. I would much rather have the shape and uniformity than the huge size although having said that Dave Thornton somehow manages to get his about 60mm diameter the golden bollocked bastard.

The year of the fly!

There is a school of thought that says carrot fly can only fly about 18" off the ground. People who reckon that are about as deranged as Rafa Beneathus when he says Liverscum are going to win the Premiership (sorry Mark the Ciderman!).

I've always had the odd mark but this year has been my worst ever. As you can probably see from my Sturton set above I had it quite badly, which obviously prevents me from showing at the highest level, which is annoying as otherwise I had some fair sized and decent shaped carrots this season. Part of my problem was that I didn't scatter some of my highly toxic (and probably banned!) insecticide around the crowns during the weeks when I was bravely fighting death due to swine flu!

But really I need to be making sure the fly have no way of getting to them by erecting some form of physical barrier and to this end I have bought some enviromesh to cover my long carrots/stump carrots and parsnips. I shall spend the Winter months wisely by mackling together some form of wooden cover to go around my drums and beds to which I will staple the mesh. Hopefully, I won't then have to rely on my insecticides so much. Organic shock horror! I must be going soft!

In the meantime I have given the sand a bloody good drenching with some cheap bleach in order to kill off any eggs. Phew.....he's back!

Now all I have to do is to get my seed and I've been promised some top notch stuff from an unbeatable Scottish grower who shall of course be nameless, but whose wife is absolutely hopeless at growing spuds!

Pests and diseases of vegetables

Had a talk at our Hort Soc last night on the above subject from Dave Thornton, General Secretary of the NVS. I made a note of some quite interesting points so here they are in no particular order whatsoever!

• If your spuds are suffering from potato leaf roll virus (which is becoming more of a problem apparently) dig up the affected plants and tuber immediately and dispose of.
• Sterilise water butts as they harbour all sorts of nasties, particularly in warm weather. Use a dash of Jeyes Fluid, Armillatox or cheap bleach which is just as good.
• If saving your own seed sterilise it with a powdered fungicide.
• Fungicides containing Pencanazole are a good general fungicide, which works on leek rust also.
• Dip brassica roots in a hydrated lime solution prior to planting to ward off clubroot.
• Perlka is another product for the control of clubroot.
• Leek and onion thrips are totally different to flower thrips. An insecticide from the garden centre advertising that it kills thrips will probably be the wrong sort therefore. Use a product called Dynamec and apply with a high pressure spray jet.
• Blight.....forget Dithane as most blights are immune to it. Bordeaux Mixture is about the best product available to the amateur grower.
• Do not use Growmore for potatoes as it is often bulked out with lime.
• Vitax Q4 is the best feed for spuds.
• Most of the above mentioned products are not on general sale. Seek out agricultural suppliers such as CWG in Melton Mowbray.