Judging shows, managing old tosspots and ailments

I’m often asked why I swear so much on here, and I reply that if I didn’t then this would just be another boring blog about veg wouldn’t it? You fucking prick.

I had a very enjoyable Saturday afternoon judging the veg and fruit classes at a local show somewhere in deepest, darkest Leicestershire, and it was nice to see numbers and overall quality was up. The runner bean class had a lot of entries and had me earning my corn, and as usual there were plenty of entries in tomatoes, French beans, and cucumbers, and the steward who was accompanying me was asking plenty of questions about how I judged things which I was happy to answer as I went along. He thanked me afterwards and said he’d learned a lot.

A few years ago at this show I had to ‘NAS’ a dish of tomatoes that had 7 fruits instead of the requisite 6 when the steward and my wife ganged up on me, when my request to remove one of the 7 whilst my back was turned was refused. That same steward benefitted from the disqualification by being placed 3^rd when he was out of the tickets and the incident left a bad taste in my mouth. Well, I managed to get it out of my system on Saturday afternoon when I came across a set of French beans with one too many in, so I simply picked one out and asked the steward to hide it. The beans were placed 2^nd and no-one was any the wiser. Apparently Medwyn is discussing this very same subject in his column in Garden News this week and I’m glad to see he agrees with me. I have been asked to judge the Southern Branch Championships of the NVS next year and I will state here and now that if a similar situation happens down there I shall adopt the same method. A judge who disqualifies an exhibit because it has too many on a dish is a joyless jobsworth in my eyes.

When it came to giving the best veg in show award I went for a single cabbage unusually. I knew it was going to be controversial as you don’t often see cabbages getting best in show, but it was a large cabbage, with no blemishes and had a lovely bloom to it so in my eyes it was a clear choice.

The problem then came when I had to get together with the other judges to award best in the whole show. This is an impossible task in my opinion, as how can you compare a cabbage against a flower arrangement, a cake and a quilt?? Answer is you can’t. Initially I got together with the dahlia judges and agreed that their choice of 3 dahlias trumped my cabbage. Having exhibited dahlias in the past I’m quite happy comparing flowers against veg knowing the degree of skill and difficulty involved in both. Last year I stood my ground on a nice set of onions and they agreed with me for instance. I thought that would be an end to it but the decrepit old dahlia judge wanted to know why I had gone for the cabbage and not the shallots. He used to grow and show veg himself at a reasonable level, and sees himself as an authority on all things horticultural I guess, but he really has had his day and is now a bit of an embarrassment I’m afraid. Not a criticism, it’ll come to us all one day, but I had to show him a small split on the winning shallot entry and the fact that they were all different shapes and sizes if you looked closely. That seemed to satisfy him but not before he went around all the other veg to satisfy himself there was nothing else to question me on. Dear old codger bless him.

There were some nice tomatoes on display, with the 2^nd placed set showing the yellowing calyces that I have suffered from in the past, most notably on my 4^th placed set at the Dundee National in 2015. This tends to affect me towards the end of September so it was a surprise to see it mid-August, so I’m now more convinced that this is down to extremes of temperature between night and day. We have had a sudden downturn in temperatures as the gulf stream dragged cooler Arctic air down towards us. I’ve often seen it recommended that you should keep the door on your tomato greenhouse open at all times, but I’ve always closed it at night and that is bound to help when the temperature tumbles.

And finally, I shouldn’t really discuss private matters on here but I am a bit concerned for my health as my cock suddenly turned bright orange over the weekend, and I mean bright fucking orange, so I was just wondering if any of you might be able to offer me an explanation? Someone suggested to me it may be stress related but I had a very peaceful weekend, therefore it is a little worrying I have to say. My wife was away on a hen-do all weekend so I just had a couple of quiet, ‘blokey’ nights in on my own, minding my own business, watching some porn films and eating several bags of Wotsits. Send me an email if you think you can advise please.

Class 26

For those unaware of The National Vegetable Society it is split into 5 branches, Southern, Midlands, Welsh, Northern and Scottish. Each branch has its own BRANCH championships every year, and the Midlands Branch that I belong to holds theirs at Malvern each year. Northern Branch hold theirs at Harrogate for instance and so forth. The Southern Branch Championships is always the first one of the year and they hold theirs in July at the Dorset County Show, and if you can win down there you can probably win at any village show in the country. Every five years each branch takes their turn to host the National Championships of the NVS and this year it’s the turn of Midlands Branch at Malvern. As a result the Midlands Branch Championships will be held as part of Shrewsbury Show in August instead. I won’t be able to do that one so I shall have to relinquish my parsnip trophy won for the past 2 years at Malvern. Any member can enter any of the 5 branch championships and the National, and it’s the National which is the biggest and best and the one that every grower aspires to. There are 26 classes in all, and because of the incredible level of competition any ticket is something to cherish, because the usual names are often the ones that hoover up the silverware so it’s incredibly difficult to become a true National Champion. The best growers usually travel to wherever the National is held, whereas that isn’t always the case for the Branch Championships so you can only ever really call yourself a regional champion if you win at a Branch, although some branch championships do carry more kudos than others. I hope that clears up any confusion?

In 2012 The National Vegetable Society introduced a new class (no. 26) into their annual National Championships for a 15 point or under veg that would change each year, the hosting branch having the honour of deciding which veg would be contested. In 2012 at Malvern the veg chosen by Midlands Branch was marrows, and the winner was Marcus Powell, pictured below during a recent court case for breaching an injunction taken out against him by Sherie Plumb.

A year later at Harrogate it was small fruited tomatoes won by Mark Hewartson (I came 3^rd!), in 2014 at Dorset Southern Branch chose globe beet won by Andrew Jones. In 2015 at Dundee, Scottish Branch chose broad beans which I thought was an interesting choice as I only ever grew them to eat and didn’t realise they could be grown to show so late in the season. The size of those benched at Dundee really staggered me as they must have been over a foot long, a variety called Relon that appears to be no longer available in any catalogues and which has been perpetuated by some of the growers up there. Ian Simpson won the class.

I had some seed given to me by Jim Pearson and grew Relon last season but could not time them for any shows. Despite sowing them according to Jim’s sowing dates they all cropped way too early but I have to say they were huge beans like those benched in Scotland so I’ll keep the strain going south of the border if I can.

Last year when the National was held in Carmarthen at the Welsh Botanic Garden glasshouse the Welsh Branch chose globe beet once again, displaying the usual lack of imagination you expect from the Welsh. Well, they still think their rugby team are the best in the World! It was won by Trevor Humphrey with his usual stunners with incredibly long tap roots.

This year the class has come full circle and it’s the turn of Midlands Branch once more to choose which veg to grow and compete with, and they have gone slightly off grid with kohl rabi, or german turnips to give its alternative name. 

I think this is an inspired choice as you never see it on the benches and I doubt if many of the usual suspects will ever have grown it for exhibition so this is one National title that is really up for grabs this year I believe. I shall be doing my first sowing this weekend, with Malvern a mere 13 weeks away, and a second sowing next weekend which should be about the right timing to get me a set of 4. I’ve only ever grown kohl rabi 2 or 3 times in the past so I do have a little bit of knowledge about them, and one thing I did learn is that they soon deteriorate once they reach their prime so timing is essential. Now, according to the NVS judges guide kohl rabi should be no more than tennis ball size, but there is a variety I’m tempted to grow called Superschmelz which can grow considerably bigger. Whatever you grow all specimens need to be alike in shape and size, and most importantly of all in good condition with no sign of pest or disease damage. I doubt any of the judges at the National no matter how experienced would have come across this crop many times during their judging career so no doubt they’ll all be cribbing up on it just in case class 26 is one assigned to them!

It will be interesting to see what the branches decide on in future as there are many more 15 point or less crops that could be given a go, assuming the unimaginative Welsh keep plumping for globe beet of course. Cabbages, brussels, broccoli, calabrese, celeriac, courgettes, garlic, kale, lettuces, peppers, radish, swedes and turnips to name but a few.

Manna from heaven

At Westminster there is a tap root class calling for long carrots, parsnips, long beet and stump carrots, 2 specimens of each. This is always well-contested and several of the North East Derby lads compete in this one. I only had the stump variety Caradec left over, a carrot I'd grown last season in pipes in the greenhouse and was so impressed with it that I decided to grow it in stations in a sand bed in the standard way to see if it might be a contender against Sweet Candle. I can report that it most certainly isn't! I struggled for uniformity and many of them were quite bent after pulling. I tried straightening them by applying gentle pressure but after snapping a couple I had to go with what I had and made a reasonable entry with my best two long beet, a nice set of long carrots but a pair of parsnips that were unfortunately touched by carrot fly. When I pulled for Harrogate none of my parsnips had been affected but the action of pulling them had obviously attracted a 3rd generation of the flying pests and I had several roots affected for Malvern and Westminster. In future I really need to make sure I re-apply some phorate around the crowns in September or else construct some form of barrier to prevent them access.

I was reasonably pleased with the third placed ticket behind John Goodall in first and Dave Thornton in second, both ex-National Carrot champions, but I didn't really look at the class in great detail as by that time we'd been up all night and I was absolutely fucked to buggery.

When I returned on Wednesday I took a closer look and couldn't help noticing that Dave's collection seemed inferior to mine at first glance so I started to compare the scores to try and ascertain how the judge had arrived at the totals. It was then that I noticed a glaring error on behalf of the judge.See if you can spot it?

Needless to say I complained immediately and the tickets will be reversed, although Dave says he's never speaking to me again!

Millennium misery and Medwyn missives

Whilst the Sun God Helios was paying homage to my magnificent body last week, back in Loughborough we had a hailstorm that made the kids turn up the television very loud as Oscar was frightened. If I'd been at home I would also have been very frightened...for my celery mainly! When I got back in the early hours of Saturday morning to be given this information it didn't immediately register, but on inspection of the plot Saturday afternoon I was horrified to see a lot of damage to the leaves, with many marks, rips and in some cases holes where the hailstone has gone straight through. I spent 30 minutes carefully snipping off any ripped leaflets and with the best part of 4 weeks to go til Malvern hopefully they'll recover a bit by then.

I have huge concerns also with my parsnips. A few growers have reported that growth seemed to stop back in July and mine did to a certain extent when the foliage went a bit yellowy. Now growth has pretty much stopped altogether and much of the foliage has gone brown. I assumed it was red spider but can find no trace so it's another disaster I can only put down to this year's disastrous weather patterns.

I had one very small specimen that was a re-sown station so I decided to pull this one to check on skin finish, and I was delighted to note it was very clean with no sign of carrot fly damage so hopefully the rest will be the same. However, plants don't seem to know whether they are coming or going......I even have a sole wisteria flower. Wisterias flower in May for crying out loud!

We didn't get in back until 3am Saturday morning but I had no chance of a lie in as I judged a small show at 11am in a local church. It was quite a small scale affair and to be honest there wasn't a great deal of quality but it was an enjoyable couple of hours and the organisers made us a decent lunch for our troubles. They told me that entries were well down on previous years, a situation that is being echoed up and down the country.

On Sunday it was my local show at Sutton Bonington and it was nice to be able to enjoy the day as a spectator although I did do my stint on the front desk. Here too entries were down a bit, mainly due to me not entering this year. Although it was a bit strange not being called upon at presentation time to collect a trophy or two I am glad I decided to have a 'gap year' and a few other growers enjoyed their day in the limelight. I even signed up a nine year old boy into the society. His mum said he was mad keen about growing veg to show so I shall be keeping an eye on him over the next few years and mentoring him as much as I can. No doubt he will lose interest during his late teens when he discovers girls but hopefully a spark will be lit that will never go out and he'll return to the hobby when he has his own garden or allotment.

Winner of best veg was my old adversary John Barton with a plate of excellent speckled french beans.

Meanwhile I took a stroll round the showground with Oscar and we put the World to rights.

I emptied out 20 bags of 'Amour' potatoes yesterday evening. I'd cut the haulms off before we went away and stored the bags in the garage to they didn't get wet and the potato skins could set hard. I was very disappointed to uncover a pretty poor crop although I was expecting it as growth had been so poor. If I'd planted in April instead of May I'd probably have done a lot better as the roots would have been down sooner. As it was young plants sat in puddles of water for weeks on end and the die was cast. It just goes to show that Lady Luck plays a part and i'm hoping that another 10 bags planted later as yet still growing will yield me 4 tubers that I need for the Millennium Class at Malvern (4 potatoes/4 tomatoes/4 globe beet/4 stump carrots/4 250g onions). I have set aside a set of 4 but they are a little on the small side but if needs be I will have to go with them. However, as my 250g onions are also on the small side (nearer 190g!) I really don't want to have 2 undersize crops out of my 5 sets if I can avoid it. It might all be academic anyway as I may well struggle to harvest a decent set of globe beet because these too are very small at the moment, and I will only have 50 or so to choose from as I really struggled to get germination during the June deluges. Mother Nature really does have us all by the testacles at the moment and for now she aint letting go.

It is however reassuring to know that even the best are having problems and Medwyn now has a blog that he is regularly updating so I do recommend you have a look-in from time to time.

http://www.medwynsofanglesey.co.uk/blog/

Maybe this year will prove to be the year of female domination. Despite early setbacks I understand Sherie Plumb has returned to form and the Scottish Branch Championships saw success for my friend Helen Vincent with caulis and celery in only her second year of showing, and Sue McCall won blanch leeks at Welsh Branch in only her second ever show I believe, both pretty amazing successes. They make me bloody sick!

Hot!

No not me, the weather yesterday as I sat the judges exam down in Dorchester. It was the hottest October day on record apparently and the sweat was pouring out of me as I 'judged' the mock show after the written exam.

I think I did ok but I know I made a hash of at least one of the questions so I'll just have to sit tight and await the results. John Trim took this photo as I was 'pointing' the collections. At least I look as if I know what i'm doing!

Who'd be a judge?

Well....me actually! Tomorrow is the day of the NVS Judges Exam and I'm probably not as confident now as I was when I first put forward for it. It's quite a high pass percentage you have to get, so there isn't much margin for error but it'll be a good experience if nowt else. And when you see some of the decisions on the benches you do wonder whether you want to put yourself forward for the inevitable criticism that will come your way.


Last year at Midlands Branch I put three globe beet in that I felt had a very good chance of getting a ticket but came away with nothing. However, the set I put in this year got third but when I walked away from staging I thought it was merely making up the numbers. Whilst I was surprised and happy to get the placing I still felt there were better conditioned and more uniform sets that didn't get anything. The tent was still quite dark when the judges started their deliberating so did that come into play perhaps? And at Harrogate the hall in which the veg is staged has the worst lighting I've ever experienced. It made many of the veg appear to be yellow or green in some cases.

What it illustrates is that judging of vegetables can never be an exact science. As long as it is carried out by fellow exhibitors themselves at the top of their game, or people who have been there and done it you have to trust the process and take all decisions in good faith. I've always said that the day I get upset and contest a decision is the day I give it up for good.

Qualify to quantify

The pinnacle of the show grower's ambition is the collection class whether it be your local show or a large NVS or RHS show. I remember when I first started showing and going to the long since defunct Loughborough Show and seeing 4 or 5 superb collections with backboards draped in superb celery and blanch leeks. I'm that old that this was before digital cameras so I have no photos to be able to compare to todays NVS displays like this one at last year's National in Dundee staged by Peter Clark. The prize money is big and the kudos is great. I'm fairly sure that my rose tinted glasses have enhanced those local displays from years ago, and that they wouldn't have been a patch on this exhibit where every dish needs to be as perfect as you can get it. The guys that do these displays will enter very little else as they save all their best veg for this one class, maybe just the one show all season. They are usually made entirely from six sets of 20 pointer veg and you would need a stunning set of 18 pointer veg if you were to substitute a set for one of these. The 20 pointer veg are leeks, celery, long carrots, parsnips, potatoes, long beet, peas, caulis and of course large onions.

Maybe one day in the distant future I'll be good enough to consider competing in this class but for now i'll content myself with trying for something called the Millenium Class at Llangollen, which calls for 5 dishes of veg, 4 each of globe beetroot, 250g onions, potatoes, stump carrots and tomatoes. If I can improve on the form and shape of my stumps and i'm able to harvest 4 good matching potatoes of the same variety then I reckon I could be in with a shout of getting close(ish) to the tickets in what is always a hotly contested class.

This is Allen Young's winning entry at Dorset in 2009.

And here is Mark Hall's top scoring effort from Dundee 2010.

The 250g onions and globe beet are rated 15 pointer veg, the stumps and tomatoes are 18 pointers. Potatoes are the only 20 pointer veg. I've seen a few of these displays now and you often see several faults on the winning collection, especially if that grower has entered the main classes. If you visit an NVS show it's always a good idea to look at these collection classes, going from exhibit to exhibit and assessing the same vegetables against each other. For example, start with the carrots and come up with a 1-2-3 in your head before looking at the marks that have been awarded. Try not to look at the marks before you've done this. Then move onto the parsnips and so on. In a way you're judging it after the event and learning what the judge is looking for, especially if the judge has split the marks for each of the criteria - size/shape/uniformity/condition - but he doesn't always have time to do this.

To be able to show veg you need to think like a judge when selecting your own veg for display, critically analysing your faults and weaknesses to try and bench what is called for according to the RHS or NVS rules applied to any given show. With this in mind I have put my name down to take the NVS judges' exam on October 1st. It involves a written test paper and Dave Thornton has promised me some past papers to look at so I can see the sort of questions likely to be asked. The hardest bit is the practical part, where you have to judge a mock show comprising 6 or 7 'classes' of 5 or so dishes and arrive at a 1-2-3 in front of other qualified judges, handling the exhibits with confidence and explaining your thought processes as you go. Hopefully, I'll pass and then be qualified to judge other shows in the afternoon after staging at my own shows in the morning.